This here is your basic black trim, three-pocket system fanny pack with zipper closure, moisture protection, cotton webbing, and an extra thick waistband. See this? It’s a snap waist buckle — dual pins, side release. In. Out. That’s how it works. In. Out. No hesitation. If you’re good, and you practice, you get this baby off in four, maybe three seconds.

Feel like calling it a “waist-bag” now? Didn’t think so. You may refer to it with terms of endearment in any of the following ways. The “fanny pack.” Aka the “waist wallet.” Aka the “belly bag.” Aka the “bum bag.” Aka the “Purple Potato.” Aka the “Gunslinger.” Aka the “True Believer.”

Top-stitched seams ensure nothing’s getting in, and nothing’s getting out. That’s called property insurance. If you get in a brawl, a game of handball, or an impromptu tussle with a lady, ain’t nothing getting out. Capeesh? Say it. Say capeesh. Good.

This model is called, “The Roy Rogers” and it’s from Brussels. It’s designed from a rare blend of polyester-nylon, meaning it’s waterproof, sweatproof, flameproof, greaseproof, tamperproof, and it will repel insects, hairless babies, and small cats from your body.

Look here. Hold it in your hands. It’s a little on the heavy side. See? How much do you think it weighs? I’ll tell you. Ten point six. That’s ounces, not pounds. Is that too much fanny for you? Can you handle that? That’s a lotta belt satchel for a dumbass.

This one’s been through hell and back. Don’t let the pleasing tint, hues, and shades of the neon fool you. It’s a glam trick. This is a man’s work pack. Treat it with respect.

Every day you wake up your goal is to survive life. And you only have your wits and your pack. These days you kids are all video games, Netflix, and i-bullshit. And you don’t wear socks. I don’t get that. When I was a kid, I wore socks all the time. See here? This is where your keys go. Open. Clip. Release. Keys are protected. Clutch, right?

You should be writing this down. Memorize everything I tell you. Then burn it.

It’s very, very important to me to have a minimal amount of clutter in my pants pockets. Personally, I sew mine shut. A wallet in the back pocket is out of the question. That will throw off your alignment. Once your alignment is thrown off then, you become lopsided — permanently.

See how I walk now? It’s good, right? Smooth. Not gonna lie. I’m a known hot dogger. My style’s a little loose. That’s cause I like to strut. I’m a big-dog. But I earned that. You don’t know shit yet. You might never know shit. I don’t need no lopsided bullshit posture from a bullshit wallet. You think I’m going to spend my change on a chiropractor?

Listen up. Here are a few things you can put in the pack: gum, money, nail clippers, Tabasco sauce, cocktail sauce, shucking tools, small laser pointer, mini-binoculars, dog treats, first-aid kit, extra shoelaces, glue stick, sunglasses, macadamia oil, cool pictures, combs, small scissors, toothpicks, can opener, pedometer, small juice boxes, extra headbands, extra socks, identification, sticks, filet knife, bottle opener, toothpaste, and beef jerky.

You paying attention? Good. Let’s talk change. Once it gets loose, you think it’s just a game. But it’s not a game. Change is money, and I don’t have time to be losing change. Which is where the three-pocket system comes in. You see the back zipper here? It leads to a hidden pocket — a pocket perfectly sized for my oval squeeze coin purse. So when I get change, the coins go into the oval squeeze coin purse, and the oval squeeze purse goes into this pocket here in the back. Don’t look at my money. That’s my money. See this. That’s a silver dollar. You’ll probably never see one of those ever again.

When you get your own f-pack someday, they come in acid-wash, shiny gold, shiny silver, classic denim, different color patterns, tribal patterns, and of course, neon. Start thinking about it now. Cause your pack color, texture, and pattern should be a reflection of who you are as a person, and what kind of man you want to be. Understand? One request. Don’t be a baby, never ask for the vegan leather trim, that’s for suckers.

One more thing. Get a back-up. Backups are clutch. You’re going to have to wash this bad boy every once and awhile. Have some respect for it. You wash your underwear don’t you? Don’t you? Well, then wash your damn fanny pack. Get a backup so you don’t have to go out there like an idiot with nothing to carry your tools.

I guess that’s it. Welcome to a hands-free lifestyle, devoid of clutter, minimal pocket distractions, and zero bullshit. Remember, it’s not a pouch. You’re not a damn kangaroo. This is your fanny pack. Now go get your Uncle Larry a beer.