And On the Eighth Day, God Created Content.
BY KENDRA EASH
In the beginning God created the Internet. And the Internet was without form, and void; and God said, let there be Content; and there was Content. And God divided the content among Facebook and Twitter, YouTube and Instagram, Snapchat and Tumblr.
And God said, Let the Content multiply at the hand of the people; it can really be anything.
Even, just, like, playing yogurt cups like bongos, the Lord God said. Or reviewing a Bath and Body Works candle. It’s wide open.
Except nipples, God added. Just women’s nipples are off limits.
And God said, Let the Content be sponsored by all the brands of the earth; Nike and Adidas, Apple and Google, Scion and Ford, Always and Tampax, for Content might influence a primary sales objective.
And God called up a great variety of baby animals — baby goats and baby elephants, baby kittens and baby puppies, baby koalas and baby sloths — and the Content multiplied among the people.
And God said, Behold, I have laid out my belongings in a super organized way and shot it from above, to give my followers a fun creative snapshot of my lifestyle.
And God left no inspirational quote unmatched with a lo-res image of flowers or water or sunsets.
And God created YouTube stars, each after their kind, such as “Unboxing” and “Reaction” and “Haul” and “Mouth Noises,” and God saw that it was all pretty subpar across the board.
And God told of 13 Potatoes that Look Like Channing Tatum.
And God asked, Which Disney Princess are You? What Type of Emoji Are You? Who Would Play Your Best Friend in the Movie Version of Your Life?
And God saw everything that he made, and kept scrolling. And scrolling. And scrolling.
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