God made dirt, so dirt don’t hurt … but rocks do.

A penny saved is a penny earned … unless you stole it.

Pretty girls have all the fun … and all the babies … and none of the diplomas.

Don’t judge a book by its cover … unless you can’t read.

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me … except when spoken by my overly critical, infantilizing mother.

You catch more bees with honey … but who the hell wants to catch bees?

Treat others as you wish to be treated … unless you’re a masochist.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all … it’s better to lash out unexpectedly.

Father knows best … but Mother is more manipulative.

Jesus loves you … but he’s the only one, you sanctimonious shit.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage … unless you’re gay or barren.

Don’t talk to strangers … unless you’re drunk at a bar and he’s got a nice ass.

In 1400 and 92, Columbus sailed the ocean blue … bringing with him slavery and disease.