Hello, office of [CONGRESSPERSON’S NAME]! This is [YOUR NAME] from [CITY OR TOWN]. I’m calling to ask about [CONGRESSPERSON]’s stance on simply putting an end to this hellscape of a world and allowing humanity to fade into the black abyss of nonexistence.

Given that the very foundations of American democracy are under attack from within, every day is somehow worse than the last, and there seems to be no escape from the deepening horror of this waking nightmare, I and many other constituents feel that now is the time to please dear Lord just make it stop. What action is [CONGRESSPERSON] taking to secure the merciful erasure of all human consciousness from the acid pit of corruption that our world has become? Is any legislation being drafted to this effect?

If you could pass along a brief message to [CONGRESSPERSON], I would like to express my support for plunging the universe into an eternal and dreamless sleep, please oh god I beg of you.

I also urge [CONGRESSPERSON] to vote NO on any further events, developments, or occurrences at all, as each of these so far has been, improbably, more unconstitutional and nauseating than the last. As [CONGRESSPERSON]’s constituent, I want nothing more than for it to just end already, please, I’ll do anything.

Conversely, I ask [CONGRESSPERSON] to vote YES on all of the following measures:

  • The development of a vaccine to numb the agony of existence that settles in each time I regain consciousness and remember our bleak reality;
  • The creation of technology permitting us to go back and do it all over again, better this time;
  • My personal relocation to deep space;
  • The installation of shorter basketball hoops on courts nationwide, because at this point the thrill of dunking is the only joy available to us; and
  • Some kind of raft in this ocean of despair.

Most of all, I simply want to implore [CONGRESSPERSON] to support pulling the plug on this entire operation and letting it all finally be over. I am so tired. Thank you and have a great day.