A dingy Lower East Side apartment. DETECTIVE RICK FLETCHER kneels over a corpse, surrounded by a pool of blood. Watching him are fellow detectives, all members of the elite CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS UNIT.
DETECTIVE FLETCHER: Damn. The victim has multiple stab wounds to the chest and abdomen, and the murder weapon was left next to her body. We’ve gotta catch this lunatic.
DETECTIVE JASON CHAFFETZ [shrugging]: I don’t see a crime here.
DET. FLETCHER: Really? It seems like a murder. A stabbing murder.
DET. PAUL RYAN: I don’t see anything either. Anyone wanna grab a taquito?
DET. FLETCHER: This woman was stabbed in the chest 17 times!
DET. TREY GOWDY: Maybe she was doing pushups and didn’t realize a knife was under her.
DET. FLETCHER: Guys, look on the wall. Someone smeared “I WILL KILL AGAIN” in blood.
DET. DEVIN NUNES: What are you implying?
DET. FLETCHER: That this guy is going to kill again!
DET. PAUL RYAN: I don’t think you can deduce that from the evidence we have available.
DET. FLETCHER: But—
DET. JASON CHAFFETZ: How do we know “kill” refers to murder? This guy could be a hunter, or a competitive video gamer.
DET. TREY GOWDY: If this woman didn’t want to be murdered, maybe she should have worn body armor, or grown knife-resistant skin.
Enter POLICE DETECTIVE FLIP MAXWELL, panting.
DET. MAXWELL: Everyone, big news: An informant tells us that 3 weeks ago, the victim started a relationship. The boyfriend? Marty Mancuso, aka The Long Island Stabber, fresh out of prison.
DET. DEVIN NUNES: Wow. Did you hear that?
DET. FLETCHER: Yes! This woman was probably stabbed to death by Mancuso, who is going to kill again!
DEVIN NUNES rushes to the window.
DET. DEVIN NUNES: No, the loud music outside. It sounds like hip-hop.
DET. TREY GOWDY: That’s misdemeanor disturbing the peace!
DET. DEVIN NUNES [gritting his teeth]: These scumbags make me sick.
DET. TREY GOWDY: We’ve gotta catch these noise polluters!
DEVIN NUNES and TREY GOWDY run out of the apartment, guns drawn. Gowdy trips and falls down the stairs, hitting each one and occasionally discharging his gun as he tumbles to the ground floor.
DET. MAXWELL: Okay, certainly you two agree we should at least bring in Mancuso for questioning.
DET. JASON CHAFFETZ: The Long Island Stabber just got out of prison. Let’s give him a chance.
DET. PAUL RYAN: He’s settling into his role of not being a murderer, and frankly, he’s becoming less murdery every day.
DET. MAXWELL: He stabbed this woman last night!
DET. JASON CHAFFETZ: Hey, everyone makes mistakes. For example, on the way over here I made a wrong turn.
DET. PAUL RYAN: And I pushed a vagrant down a flight of stairs.
DET. JASON CHAFFETZ: Should we go to prison?
DET. MAXWELL: Wait, you—
DET. PAUL RYAN: I know the liberal media will write a bunch of hysterical clickbait about “catching this woman’s murderer.” But we have to focus on the crimes that matter: bicyclists running stop signs and restaurants with unisex bathrooms.
FLETCHER holds up his iPhone.
DET. FLETCHER: Okay, I cracked it! I found Mancuso’s Instagram, and his latest post shows him standing in this apartment, over the body, and the caption is “I love stabbing people to death, an activity that I did last night. #IAmTheMurderer”
DET. JASON CHAFFETZ: Let me see that.
CHAFFETZ grabs the phone and stares at the screen.
DET. JASON CHAFFETZ: Son of a bitch.
DET. FLETCHER: Let’s haul him in!
DET. JASON CHAFFETZ: Is this an iPhone 7?
DET. FLETCHER: It’s…yeah, why?
DET. PAUL RYAN: Detectives are supposed to be using government-issued BlackBerries.
DET. FLETCHER: That’s my personal phone!
DET. JASON CHAFFETZ: You’ve put the entire city at risk, Fletcher.
CHAFFETZ kicks FLETCHER in the stomach and places him in handcuffs.
DET. PAUL RYAN: You’re looking at 13, maybe 14 inquiries into this reckless crime.
DET. JASON CHAFFETZ [wiping blood off his shoe]: It’s lowlifes like you that make me proud to be in the Congressional Republicans Unit.
CHAFFETZ and RYAN high-five. As they’re marching FLETCHER out of the apartment, MARTY MANCUSO, THE LONG ISLAND STABBER, enters, his clothes stained with blood.
MANCUSO: Oh, hi. I, uh, accidentally left my knife here last night. Can I go in and grab it?
PAUL RYAN puts his hand on MANCUSO’S shoulder.
DET. PAUL RYAN: You can do whatever you want, buddy. You can do whatever you want.
Fade to black.