First, rate the restroom on a cleanliness scale of 1-10, with 10 being the cleanest. For scores 6-10, use track A. For a score of 5, use tracks A and B at your discretion. For scores 1-4, use track B. For scores of 1-2, consider changing at a later time, if that option is available.
Before you begin: Check every stall and determine which is the cleanest. Enter the cleanest stall and lock the door. If no working lock is available, lean against door to prevent unintended interruptions.
1a. Store personal items, using all available hooks and layering items as needed. Handicap rails may be used for additional storage.
1b. Hang all personal items on arms or around neck. Grit additional personal items in teeth. For any items that cannot be secured by these methods, use appendages to pin items against body or other appendages (i.e., arm to torso, leg to leg).
2a. Remove shirt and place it with other personal items.
2b. Remove arms from shirt one by one, removing and replacing any personal items hanging from arms as needed and ensuring that any pinned items remain pinned. Once shirt is hanging around neck, pull it carefully overhead, winding it around any items clenched in teeth. Place shirt between knees and clamp down hard. Do not let go.
IF YOU ARE NOT WEARING A BRA OR DO NOT NEED TO REMOVE YOUR BRA, SKIP TO STEP 5.
3a. Remove bra and place it with other personal items.
3b. Remove bra by unfastening the back clasp and carefully working each strap around any items hanging from arms. Once removed, loop one of the straps around your neck like a bra necklace. If bra cannot be hung from neck, place the least dirty section of the bra in your mouth and clamp down with any molars that are not currently in use.
4a. Extract fresh bra from personal items and apply as you normally do.
4b. Extract bra by inserting your left hand into the appropriate strap and raising your arm in the air like an overachieving high school student, while using right hand to wind the left strap around any items hanging on your left arm. Place your right hand through the appropriate strap and repeat the previous step. Use both hands to fasten the back clasp, repeating out loud, “I can do this,” as many times as needed but without disengaging any molars that are securing personal items. Once clasp is fastened, fluff breasts into cups and wipe sweat from brow.
5a. Extract fresh shirt from personal items and apply as you normally do.
5b. Move all personal items hanging on left arm to right arm. Extract fresh shirt by wriggling your left hand like a fish flopping on dry pavement up and through the body of the shirt and into the left arm hole. Replace items that were originally hanging on left arm. Repeat these steps for right side of body. Then, make the Y from YMCA and, moving arms in alternately in metronome fashion, punch forehead through head hole, maintaining clenched teeth. Flap arms like wings, ensuring that they do not move past 180 degrees, to establish shirt on torso. Once shirt is over shoulders, pinch fabric with fingers and pull down toward your waist, keeping elbows bent. Adjust bra necklace to exterior of shirt if you completed Step 3.
6a. Remove shoes by stepping on alternate heels. If wearing socks, stand on floor at your discretion. If not wearing socks or if standing on floor is inadvisable, stand on top of shoes. If shoes cannot be stood upon and standing on floor is inadvisable, follow track B going forward, ignoring any “shirt” prompts.
6b. No action. Skip to next step.
7a. Remove pants or skirt and place it with other personal items.
7b. Unfasten pants or skirt. Jump up and down until pants/skirt fall to knees; remove shirt, jump a little more, and replace shirt between knees once pants/skirt fall to ankles. Kick feet wildly, stepping on pants/skirt fabric as needed to work pants/skirt around shoes. Once pants/skirt are fully removed, perform a chair pose, then sweep your clothing item gracefully off the ground while maintaining slightly bent elbows. Place pants/skirt between knees (with shirt, if applicable) and clamp down.
IF YOU ARE NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR OR DO NOT NEED TO REMOVE YOUR UNDERWEAR, SKIP TO STEP 10.
8a. Remove underwear and place it with other personal items.
8b. Remove underwear as per pants/skirt guidance in Step 7b.
9a. Extract fresh underwear from personal items and apply as you normally do.
9b. Extract fresh underwear from personal items with right hand. Remove any items from between knees with left hand and place temporarily on top of head. Dangle undies in midair and do a Jackie-Chan-style sidekick to thrust right foot through right leg hole, being careful to remain upright enough so as not to dump items off head. Kick as many times as needed if underwear gets caught on shoes. Once underwear is established on leg at thigh height, clench thighs together, and with your left hand, stretch undies out to side to expose left leg hole. Bring left knee to chin and step into hole with left leg. Pluck at waistband with fingertips to arrange underwear on hips. Replace items between knees.
10a. Extract fresh pants/skirt from personal items and apply as you normally do.
10b. Extract fresh pants/skirt from personal items and apply as per underwear guidance in Step 9b.
11a. If shoes were removed in Step 6, place feet into shoes and do a stationary penguin walk to secure shoes on feet. Tie or zip shoes as needed.
11b. Not applicable. Skip to Step 12.
12a. Gather all personal belongings and wash hands before exiting restroom.
12b. Remove all items from between knees. Remove bra necklace, if you completed Step 3. Store all removed items in a plastic bag, quarantined from the rest of your belongings, and wash immediately upon arrival at home. Gather all other personal belongings and wash your hands with scalding water while singing “Happy Birthday” three times before exiting restroom.
NOTE: This guidance does not apply if you are wearing a dress. If this is the case, first think about why you are removing your dress in a public restroom. If you are alone and no one is helping you remove your dress, try starting with Step 7 and treating it as a skirt. Refer to Step 4 for bra guidance as needed.