Dear People Who Don’t Make Every Conceivable Effort to Ensure that the Bathroom Door is Locked,

First, I want to say sorry, although I think both of us are a little confused about why I’m the one apologizing. And what am I apologizing for, really? For having to use the restroom? For not knocking on the door of a public restroom, which, by definition, is open to the public? For accidentally glimpsing you in what is arguably the most animal of positions, pants at your ankles, trying to, you know, go? In any case, I’m sorry. For both of us.

But what I really want to say is, how? How do you do it? What’s it like in the cavalier world you’re living in, where the idea of being barged in on in such a vulnerable position doesn’t shake you to your core and cause you to check the lock two, sometimes three times before going about your business? Honestly, I am embarrassed just writing this letter, in which I have only been able to vaguely allude to the biological processes so inevitable in human life, but you — you live in a headspace where you’re like, what’s most important here is using the restroom; forget trying to pretend, like the rest of us, that you’re the only person in the world who doesn’t do it.

I also would like to have a word with those of you who feel the need to say things like, “Come on in, I’m just finishing up.” I want to say here and now that, no, I will not come on in. I will never come on in. I appreciate your hospitality, inviting me into a five-by-five space in which you have just been doing God knows what, but I’m going to have to pass, on the grounds that I’m not sure what it is you imagine me doing once I come in. Do I stand there and watch you wash your hands? Or worse, not wash your hands? Do we make small talk while you stand at the hand dryer? I’ll wait at the door.

So, in closing, I want to say both that I envy your carefree confidence, and also, no thank you. I don’t ever want to be so nonchalant about my bodily functions that I force my nonchalant bodily functions onto unsuspecting bathroom users. I’m going to make very, very certain that I push that little button in, then I’m going to twist the knob to make sure it actually locks, then I’m going to push the button in again and maybe repeat a few times.

All the best,