ALEXANDRA: Now things are officially out of control. Earth Day. WE FORGOT ABOUT EARTH DAY! Last week was insanity between cannabis reform AND school walkouts on 4/20, the departure of the subversively feminist Silver Fox from the world, staying up late to watch Beychella, more attacks on Planned Parenthood, the release of the Comey memos… and honestly, I’m still not 100% sure we actually filed our taxes. I don’t even know if you know who tweeted last week. But STILL. Earth Day. How did I miss that?
MICHAEL: To be fair, Earth Day is synonymous with Spring. We haven’t really had any of that yet. My bleeding heart, official plant of liberals everywhere, isn’t even thinking about blooming yet.
ALEXANDRA: I guess. I just wonder if it means I’ve already given up on a subconscious level. Like… why do we need a methane monitoring satellite with nuclear winter only one tweetstorm away?
MICHAEL: That sounds like more than on the subconscious level. Think of all the good in the world. Think of the looming royal wedding. Think of Kendrick Lamar winning a Pulitzer. Think of Tammy Duckworth rolling onto the Senate floor with her newborn nestled against her as she cast her vote against having another GOP old white dude run NASA…
ALEXANDRA: Who was then still confirmed anyway. Nothing says “Happy Earth Day!” like putting another climate change denier in a position of power.
MICHAEL: But BABY! Family-friendly workplaces!
ALEXANDRA: And will that baby live long enough to climb the tree we forgot to plant yesterday before getting shot by an automatic rifle at elementary school?
MICHAEL: Yeah. We’ve definitely moved past the subconscious level now.
ALEXANDRA: It’s my own fault. I found an old New Yorker in the bathroom that night we over-indulged in Indian food and was reading about bibliotherapists. You know I’ve been down and that sunlamp just isn’t cutting it. So I reached out to a few different ones mentioned in the article, received my “prescriptions,” then commenced reading. But sales clerks at bookstores do not have the same responsibilities as pharmacists. They don’t flag your account when the “medications” you’re picking up might have dangerous interactions nor if they are contraindicated with your reading history. Turns out simultaneously reading Kelly Corrigan’s latest book of essays, each one a tear-jerker on its own and absolutely shattering in combination, should NEVER be paired with that Emily McDowell guide to becoming more empathetic.
MICHAEL: Is that why I just got an email from Amazon that a box of “sweary embroidered organic bamboo handkerchiefs” and a jar of “water-soluble natural petroleum jelly alternative” was just delivered? Oooh! Looks like my gut-free ukulele strings finally shipped!
ALEXANDRA: I would like it noted that we ordered from Amazon Smile with the donation to charity included in the price. I already feel entirely too much empathy for the family-owned pharmacy on the corner and their new “Going out of business” sign in the window. Damn that greeting-card goddess and her empathy workouts. But I will follow her anywhere. Even if it’s down the dark and disquieting tunnel of my raging case of “All About Me Syndrome."
MICHAEL: I wonder why I didn’t I get a notification from the new doorbell, too. You’d think they’d put a chip in Amazon packages or something to trigger that notification too since they own Ring…
ALEXANDRA: One-time use tracking chips? In non-recycled cardboard boxes stuffed with one small item and three square feet of packing materials, individually delivered via planes, semis, and trucks in less than 24 hours for a cumulative carbon footprint of seven zillion metric tons… BUT BY ALL MEANS, let’s commemorate Earth Day by removing all the plastic bottles from the local waterway and then reward ourselves with a cool sip of chlorinated tap water shipped halfway across the country in a shrink-wrapped plastic bottle from a shrink-wrapped case of even more plastic bottles. But if we’re being honest we really are in the mood for a LaCroix so let’s only drink a third of it before pouring it out and adding it to the already monolithic pile of algae-covered bottles we’ve just collected. WE DO IT ALL FOR YOU, GAIA! We are so gross. We deserve every bomb cyclone we get.
MICHAEL: But you said you’ve been loving those period panties you bought.
ALEXANDRA: WHY DO YOU JUMP RIGHT TO PMS, MICHAEL! I am not being hormonal, I am being practical.
MICHAEL: I wonder how many times a day Senator Duckworth has to say that to her fellow Senators.
ALEXANDRA: Perhaps the US Senate should follow the Starbucks model of tolerance and shut down for a single day to completely eradicate ingrained misogyny.
MICHAEL: Make it an annual thing and it may even be as beneficial as Earth Day.
Elly Lonon’s “Amongst the Liberal Elite: The Road Trip Exploring Societal Inequities Solidified by Trump (RESIST)” is coming to a bookstore near you this October! Or pre-order your copy here.