This is when a fireman breaks through your window and says, “I need to get you out of here before the smoke seeps under the door.” Thanks Mr. Fireman! Thanks for breaking into my house and reminding me I left the stove on for too long. That was really charitable of you. I’m glad you’re here to get me out of this burning building. If it wasn’t for you, I would have no idea that fire is bad.
This is when you’re at a diner with Dustin Hoffman and he knocks over a box of toothpicks and says there are 246 on the ground. Thanks Dustin! You’re a real genius! That’s why you won an Oscar and I didn’t! Check your privilege, dude.
This is when you’re walking through the woods and a tall, creepy guy telepathically communicates to you that you should kill your best friend. Thanks Mr. Slender Man! I really need a meme to tell me how to treat the people who are important in my life. Get your tentacles off of me, you pervert.
This is when you’re going to your girlfriend’s apartment and the doorman says, “You can go right ahead. The apartment is 17H.” Thanks Mr. Doorman! Thanks for telling me where my girlfriend lives. It’s not like I’ve ever been to her apartment before. It’s not like I’ve ever had sex with her on her bed or on her kitchen table or on her welcome mat. But I’m sure you have because you’re the doorman and you seem to know just about everything.
This is when a metaphysical, genderless concept that rules supreme according to Hindu scripture reminds you that it is the force which binds all living things together in the absolute reality of the universe. Thanks for enlightening us, Mr. Brahman! You’re the only one that can unite us all! Love can’t do it. The power of song can’t do it. But you can! You are really fucking special.
This is when you turn on the TV and a weatherman is describing this week’s forecast. Thanks, Mr. Weatherman! Without all of your degrees in Looking at the Sky, I would never have known about the possibility of rain on Tuesday. It’s not like I, a common person, have eyes that can estimate correctly the probability of precipitation several days in advance. Oh wait, I do because I’m not blind.
This is when you’re a fish and Aquaman summons you to fight an underwater pirate who is trying to destroy the kingdom of Atlantis. Thanks Mr. Aquaman! I’m just a stupid sea creature who’s there whenever you need it. It’s not like I have a family to support or anything. It’s not like I’m writing legal briefs ten hours a day and if I take one day off I risk losing everything. Nope, nothing like that.
This is when you’re entering a small Arab nation at the mouth of the Persian gulf and customs says you must declare your copious number of plants. Thanks Oman! I’m glad a small Arab nation is taking extra precautions to screen my petunias. They might be trying to steal the oil!