When you asked me to locate for you a house in this neighborhood, I sat just beyond that fence upon the banks of the half-drained retention pond to think deeply about the characteristics of your desired residence. Were it that money was no object I would point you toward the western most avenue to a bungalow of certain promise that would welcome the growth of your family for years to come. As you must fully realize, no realtor will be able to give you the home that has been formed in your imaginations as the place of your future, tacked upon the ideal stretch of land, within your limited means. Therefore, I propose, at the price range in which you have indicated I should contain my search, this is the finest home you can hope to tour.

Walking up this way, to the entrance of the home, I must warn you, ma’am: where beauty goes unregarded here in this realm, it is the feeble who must be taken care of among the brambles of suburban danger. As these pedestrian streets that lead from the house to the roadside embankment are narrow, it is better not to walk down them lest you are accompanied by someone you loathe to be dependant upon: your child, an aging parent, the scullery maid, your spouse. If you persist in shuffling beyond the rosebushes alone, scores of your caretakers will be forced to fidget along behind you into the streets to correct for your virulent independence, putting themselves, therefore, at a great risk not only to their personal safety but to the contentment of your debilitating conscience. It is better, yet, to stay indoors entirely.

By some enchantment this abode has had bestowed within it a functioning water closet, though what good can come of that I have yet to discover. How much walking do these architect gentlemen seek to save us? As if one could barely make a voyage out to buy flowers without disrupting the entire ecosystem of household life. Many curiosities of the modern dwelling have of late been brought to my attention. Master bedrooms being linked close to those which were meant for young children. No servants quarters in the home whatsoever. Sitting rooms which, once given in spirit to the man or woman of the house, are then taken over by the playthings and demands of the children’s entertainment. It is a wonder anything worthwhile can be accomplished in this thoughtless design, much less in this subdivision which, though named “Sparking River Wood” has neither body of water nor any authoritative vegetation within visible range.

If Frank Lloyd Wright’s sister, Jane, had the means to achieve a degree in civil engineering, she no doubt would have placed her houses in more practical locations. Moreover, regarding the aesthetic characteristics of such necessary structures, this dubious Jane, genius in all logistical matters, would have surely seen the benefits of creating a house in which there are separations between the rooms for the purpose of meaningful solitude. Being of such cautious upbringing, Jane would have been privy to the effect that living in such close quarters with her family would have on her mother and father, and with that set her skills upon the task of separating each individual room from the proximity of the others. She would most certainly not have let her career take hold of her most voracious talents, abandoning the creation of many Utopian abodes to elevate mountainous and commercial totems to her own reputation. Not of course, because she would not have the skill or imagination or ego to support these structures, but because what else could a female architect be expected to design but homes? Imagine yet—an upstairs loft built with the lamentations of children in mind, far from the ears of those restful individuals who dole out care during the waking hours. Better still, an entire enclave, built apart from the main house itself, replete with linens and a running stream of water, that the occupant in need of respite from the life of domestic turmoil need never leave the building at all!

This house, of course, has neither a building that fits that illustrious description nor the extra half bathroom that you requested. But if we are to be honest, with your credit rating, there is nothing more that can be expected.