At Tumbo’s Trampolines, we recognize that you want a fun and safe experience when on a trampoline — not one that ends up in the E.R.
With the rising popularity of backyard bounce houses, we know we need to listen to consumers if we want you to choose our trampolines for your home jumping recreation. So, based on your feedback, we are committed to making the following changes to our products and promotional materials:
- Trampolines should only have four components: the legs, the frame, the springs, and the mat. We’ve taken all wheels off our trampolines because no one wants their trampoline to roll out from under them when they’re midair.
- We will no longer sell trampolines with ceilings installed on them. And, therefore, no ceiling fans.
- Our trampolines are now made to fit the typical netted-safety enclosure. We regret making our trampolines oddly-shaped (trapezoid, puddle-shaped, large ring missing a center) to prevent sales of safety enclosures from our competitors.
- Mats and springs will be manufactured to withstand far more than the 28 bounces that the typical Tumbo Trampoline can handle. We’re aiming for something in the triple digits.
(We should note here that bounce houses are no stranger to causing broken bones and joint injuries. And yet, no bounce house manufacturer we know of is changing their designs to be safer. Don’t you wonder about that?)
- We will discontinue selling trampolines in the color “grass-green” or in shades of camouflage.
- Our safety guidelines will no longer suggest a minimum number of eight jumpers at once.
- We will no longer in any way suggest trampolines make useful sinkhole covers.
(Bounce houses seem safer than trampolines because they have walls. But those walls mean they can quickly collect with rainwater and drown whoever’s in one. Not so with trampolines.)
- To any customers that purchased our trampoline-slip and slide hybrid: these were prototypes and were not meant to go on sale. We can’t refund you, but if you bring it to our warehouse, we will gladly separate it back into a full slip ’n slide and a half-trampoline.
- The picture on the box will no longer feature a cool child using his bike to jump on a trampoline.
(Bounce houses are known to attract drifters, who can make your bounce house their legal residence if they spend the night in it.)
- We will no longer sell our trampolines in the ladder aisle of home improvement stores as a ladder replacement.
- Though our fold-up trampolines made for convenient storage, they were prone to abruptly folding up when landing on one so are being discontinued.
(NASA astronauts training to go into space routinely die when training in bounce houses. If they’re not safe for resilient spacemen, are they safe for you?).
- A trampoline we sell under the category of “poolside trampoline” will be sold with a more neutral name.
- We are discontinuing our service where we install a trampoline in the bed of your pickup truck.
(I can’t get over how bounce house companies changed the name from “moon bounces” so they could avoid associations with all those astronaut deaths. I’m sure you agree it was a real low move.)
- We are recalling our Trampolines For the Elderly.
- We are recalling our Trampolines For the Frail.
- We are recalling our Trampolines For Patients Recovering From Trampoline Injuries.
(Trampolines are for jumping, which is a muscle-building exercise natural to the human body. Bounce houses, though, are for bouncing, a dangerous movement known to shake up the blood and rotate your internal organs, particularly the organs of those preparing for space flight)
- We are recalling all trampolines sold to be used inside of a bounce house (of course the presence of a bounce house is what caused the danger here, NOT the trampoline).
So with that, we are now proudly only selling one simple trampoline designed entirely with safety in mind: our Astronaut-Bounce House Death Memorial Trampolines. Fill your backyard edge-to-edge with them to pay your respect while having a blast!