We recently learned that Bluestar Sleepaway Camp+ Experience, Waystar Royco’s newest venture in premium edutainment catering to our most precious audience members, has run into a few minor hiccups. We want to assure you that we take these allegations as seriously as we take the welfare of your speculative heirs, and we are actively investigating all incidents that supposedly transpired at our campuses in Maine, New Mexico, or Hungary.

Before we comment on our revolutionary curriculum, which has been unjustly described as “scrotum-tightening,” let’s talk about the elephant in the room: Social Darwinism.

The reality is that there have always been winners and losers. We can trot out experts who assure us this is the case. “Controlling the narrative.” “Emotional blackmail.” “The art of the subtle takedown.” These are all ivory tower terms for practices inextricably linked to childhood. Surely no organization can be held responsible for coming-of-age rituals dating back to the Stone Age. We simply combined them with swimming, canoeing, and hyper-decanting wine.

We refute the claim that our childhood development experts’ Real Life Skills+ program was solely intended to teach social dominance. We categorically deny we offered a course on lying, including by omission, directly to someone’s face, and to Congress. That would go against the core values that appear somewhere on our website.

We maintain, however, that learning how to fire someone by getting someone else to do it for you is an essential life skill. Further, innovative games such as “What Happened to Your Sister, Exactly?” and “Biggest Sicko” foster creativity and imagination. “Ghosting and Gaslighting: Can I Do Both at the Same Time?” was a guided discussion held in response to interest from campers. Finally, competitive meditation is an actual thing. Look it up.

Some say we’re out-of-touch one-percenters, but what the masses don’t realize is that the view from the top means we’re ideally situated to see a societal need and bring that need to market, where anyone can theoretically access it.

Let’s listen to testimonials from parents who get it:

  • “By the end of the eight weeks, my child had built transactional relationships that will last as long as they are mutually profitable.”
  • “Rounds of boar on the floor on Frankfurter Fridays were motivational.”
  • “While it’s true our son was left in a dog cage overnight, he wanted to be there to get away from the other children.”
  • “My daughter had an experience of lasting impact, one she won’t be able to shake off for a lifetime as what she did to win hounds her, along with the gnawing certainty nothing will ever be enough to fill the soul-sized hole that will get deeper and wider each year until death. But before then, a lot of money and access to power.”
  • “My child enjoyed playing with the shredder.”

As for rumors that during a session of the Forensic Explorer’s Club, campers were exposed to items of a urological nature once belonging to dead dictators, this is nonsense. They were replicas. Handling the real ones would be inappropriate, the artifacts being both priceless and crumbly.

We regret that a game of “I’m Joking, or Am I?” got out of hand at one of the sunset circles. The burns were minimal. The s’mores were first-rate.

If it comes to light that anyone was permanently injured in a medically provable way as a result of our premium sleepaway camp experiences that include air-conditioned cabins with en suite bathrooms, daily maid service, and executive chef-prepared meals, you can believe we will make restitution. We already have done so with the fourteen-year-old who participated in the Survival Experience at our location in Hungary. The boy was found within a week. He was airlifted to a hospital at our expense and is said to be “coming along.” We have the signed waiver and sworn statements from the family that our attorneys say absolve us of culpability. His counselors had been pretty clear they were leaving him in the forest to find his own way out when they said they’d come back for him if he couldn’t “man the fuck up” and “needed his mommy to wipe his ass for him.” Unfortunately, he couldn’t, and he did.

We invite you to get in your helicopters and visit one of our obscenely sprawling campuses to see what it’s like to grow up the Roy way. With sailing regattas, boar hunting, polo (both kinds), Olympic-size swimming pools, regulation sports fields, and state-of-the-art tennis courts with professional coaches. Upgrade to our Platinum package and get your tween’s teeth whitened, or choose from a menu of minimally invasive cosmetic procedures.

The truth is no one ever became a winner making tie-dye shirts and singing “Kumbaya” all summer long. The only thing worse is leaving kids to their own devices. Have you watched Waystar Studio’s new Lord of the Flies reboot? It’s eye-opening to see what youth with unstructured playtime get up to.

Bottom line: successful parenthood takes balls. Can we guarantee that your child will be a winner after attending the Bluestar Sleepaway Camp+ Experience? Let us quote our founder by offering a full-throated and non-binding “Uh-huh.”