I, Kim, take you, Diane, to be my casually wedded work wife.
When I met you in new hire orientation, I remember thinking: That necklace is a fun pop of color she’s added to her business casual neutrals. You also had a really cool planner and I just had to ask where you got it (Erin Condren!). My world changed from that moment forward. You put my name in your phone (KIM WORK) and I put yours in mine (DIANE ACCOUNTING) and I haven’t looked back since.
Diane, you are a hot cup of joe on a Monday morning and a canceled meeting on a Friday afternoon. You’re the first person I think about when CC’ing an email, and the last person I think about when I shut down my computer at the end of the day. Through everything, I choose you. Through office birthdays where Dave brings the wrong kind of cake, and Mondays when the coffee maker is broken, I choose you. Through days when the AC is at exactly the right temperature, and days when that food truck parks in front of the office, I choose you.
Diane, I promise to always email you funny memes about accounting and to Gchat “lol thank god!” when you send me an article about how drinking wine is good for you. Just as you talk me up to my office crush, I will tell Tim about your adult dodgeball team so he thinks you’re interesting. I promise to be faithful and never eat lunch with Karen from HR because she’s a bitch and she knows what she did. I promise to defend your parking space — Dave, driving a Bimmer does not entitle you to take up two spots! I promise to never collect on the IOUs you’ve written me for the quarters I’ve given you for the vending machine — you deserve all the Diet Coke you can drink.
I look forward to work wife wedded bliss with you. Together we will rejoice and share some Dove chocolate over victories like that dickweed Dave being fired or our boss being out sick for the day. Side by side, we will convince our boss to let us have Pizza Wednesdays at least once a month and everyone will think, Kim and Diane are so fun! I know I can count on you to get me novelty shot glasses from your vacation destinations because you know you can count on me to get you fun keychains.
I vow to make half plans to hang out outside of work but to never follow up on them because we have our own lives and I get that. When one of us is inevitably promoted or moves to a different company, I will lament our lack of closeness and our loss of intimacy. We’ll still Gchat for a little bit and try to finally get those drinks we’ve always talked about, but we never will. I’ll look sadly at the succulent you got for my desk and wonder if you’re still using the plaque I got for you that says BOSS BITCH.
With this sassy mug, I thee wed.