Kurt texted to say my red 2016 Ferrari 488GTB was ready for pick up. I took a shower, rubbing some pink fancy soap into my breasts, which I use even when I don’t have guests. I moaned in pleasure, making that sound that a cat makes when it hasn’t been neutered. My breasts are a foot above my vagina, which I use for both urination and sex. They craved the passionate embrace of a buff dude. Was Kurt that buff dude? I was about to find out.

I threw on my cheerleader’s outfit, because I had practice later that day, and drove my other red Ferrari to the shop, a 2016 F12berlinetta fully loaded with a 730-hp 6.3-liter V-12 engine.

Kurt was bent over the car, squeezing oil all over the engine. He had really big muscles, which hot chicks like me are super into.

“Your car is ready to go,” Kurt said. “Sweet ride.”

He had such huge pecs they looked almost like breasts.

“Thanks, dude. How much do I owe you?”

He pulled out a whole bunch of complicated papers. “Eleven thousand dollars.”

“Oh, shit,” I said, when I reached for my wallet. “I grabbed the wrong bag.” I pulled out a half ounce of medical-grade marijuana.

“Blaze some of that Chiesel with me and we’ll call it even,” Kurt said. “Let’s go check out my room.”

I followed him upstairs. The hallway was papered with all my favorite movies, like Bring It On, Reservoir Dogs, and Maze Runner: Scorch Trials.

We sat on his awesome bed and rolled a fat J that Kurt lit with his blue flame Zippo, which is $35 bucks on Amazon. We played Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain on his PlayStation 4 and I got really horny.

Then Kurt slowly unbuttoned my dress. My breasts felt like they were going to explode in anticipation of his hot kisses. He put his hand between my legs. It felt amazing, even though I didn’t have a penis.

“Whoa,” I said, when Kurt took off his pants. “You’ve got the biggest, grossest dick ever.” I was so turned on. “Let’s order a pizza.”

“No. Let’s order a pizza and Wendy’s,” Kurt said.

“But they don’t deliver.”

“I have a buddy who works there and can totally hook us up.”

Kurt went down on me, spelling the lyrics to “Purple Haze” by Jimi Hendrix with his tongue.

“Awesome song,” I said.

When he put his penis inside of me it was like sitting on a warm, wet flagpole. I watched myself in the mirror as he screwed me. I looked super hot because I was naked. My giant breasts slapped together in rhythm to Jimi, and Kurt promised to teach me the lead riff later. He made me feel safe. Chicks like me love getting high and then having sex. I couldn’t see Kurt very well because there was a bedpost in the way.

We did it doggy-style for over an hour, while we played multiplayer Halo 5: Guardians on his Xbox One, stopping every now and then to kiss and hug, or to eat our pizza and burgers off each other’s bodies.

“I love you differently than I love my mom and dad,” Kurt said. That made my vagina feel hotter than the bonfire I accidentally fell into at camp. I had to go to the emergency room, which sucked.

Kurt cried out in a really high-pitched voice, “I’m doing it!” He exploded. It felt like someone was peeing Pop Rocks into me. His jizz went all the way up to the back of my throat. It tasted like the Vanilla Silk my mom drinks. Not bad on cereal if there’s no milk around.

Milk shot out of my breasts onto the black bedspread as I screamed in pleasure.

“Don’t worry about that,” Kurt said. “I make enough money that I can hire my mom. She comes every day to clean when I’m not around or when she’s not too much of a bitch.”

Afterwards we ate spicy chicken nuggets and smoked more weed. Kurt put his clothes on but I stayed naked so he could play with my breasts whenever he wanted. We kissed a lot. I’m a really good kisser, even when I’m crying, which I wasn’t.

“Would you mind driving my second Ferrari back to my place for me?” I asked when it was all over.

“Sure, dude,” Kurt said. “I’d kind of like to meet your mom anyway. Not that I’m weird or anything. But if your mom knows me and likes me, it will just be easier for us to have a totally awesome summer hanging out and getting high.”