MAN: I think my vagina is running out of batteries.
WOMAN: Really? No, no, I think it’s my dildo.
MAN: Where did you get that thing? It’s very classy looking.
WOMAN: Hold on, let me replace the batteries.
MAN: My vagina looks like a vagina. Your dildo looks like something else. Like a model for some experimental architecture.
WOMAN: That’s what it feels like too. The couple of times I used it all I could hear was Rem Koolhaas’ voice in my head, talking about how he wants to build a series of luxury apartment complexes inspired by the walled city of Kowloon. Shit, I think it’s stuck.
MAN: No one has ever said that to me.
WOMAN: I mean, it is stuck. I can’t get it out.
MAN: Eh, leave it in. Let’s finish our tea. This is nice. Just sitting here and drinking tea with you and talking and watching our devices screw.
WOMAN: But what if I can’t get it out?
MAN: Don’t worry about it. I can always buy a new vagina.
WOMAN: Don’t you mean “Stamina Training Unit?”
MAN: I wish. I’ve lasted longer with real women than I have with that thing. Even the beginning setting is like a goddamned vise.
WOMAN: My dildo can go for hours.
MAN: How come mine is called a “Stamina Training Unit” and yours is just called a dildo?
WOMAN: That’s a good question. I don’t know. I don’t have an answer to that question, and I don’t know of anyone who does.
MAN: Jesus Christ that was a good cup of tea.
WOMAN: I never used to like tea.
MAN: Me neither. I associate tea with my old dope dealer. He used to meet me at Gray’s Papaya and make me wait until he was done eating his hot dogs before he would give me my stuff. And while he was eating his hot dogs he would lecture me on the health benefits of drinking lots of tea. He said that if you drank eight cups of tea a day you could eat whatever you wanted and do all the drugs you wanted and never exercise and it wouldn’t matter because of the tea. He would always ask me if I wanted him to hook me up with some rare tea and I would always say no and he would always act all disappointed and make these intimations that maybe he wasn’t going to give me my dope if I didn’t climb aboard his tea train. And plus it would take him forever to eat his hot dogs. He would eat like, six or seven hot dogs, but he wouldn’t order them all at once because he didn’t want any of the other customers at Gray’s Papaya to think he was a pig. So he would eat one, wait for the place to turn over with new customers, and then order another and the whole process would take like, an hour, hour and a half. He was a really slow eater too. He was from Texas. He told me he learned how to slow eat from his dad. He said his dad could make a whole afternoon out of a peach, just sit there on his deck chair with a peach and a knife and stare at the sky and take one bite every fifteen minutes. One time I thought it would be a good idea if I ordered a hot dog myself and I ate it in like, one minute, and he looked at me like I had just ripped him off or something. He was disgusted with me. He told me it wasn’t a good idea for me to inhale my food like that and I told him that I did everything quickly, that I was from New York and so on and so on, but he wasn’t interested in what I had to say. He never listened to me.
WOMAN: Well, I’m listening to that dildo of mine and it sounds like it’s done for the night.
MAN: Yeah. He’s finished.
WOMAN: I think your vagina’s done too.
MAN: Oh, no, she’s just got a motion detector. Saves batteries. It’s the latest in Green Technology.
WOMAN: Well, I could go and search for some more batteries or we could call it a night.
MAN: Can I ask you a question? What did you put in my tea?
WOMAN: Honey and lemon and a secret.
MAN: Did you put a touch of condensed milk in there?
WOMAN: Oh my God.
MAN: I knew it.
WOMAN: You’re good.
MAN: I love condensed milk.
WOMAN: You know, if you want, you could leave your vagina here and come back and get it whenever you want.
MAN: Yeah, sure.
WOMAN: I’m just saying, you know, if you want to. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.
MAN: No, I want to. Thanks.
MAN: Would it be okay if I had another cup of tea?
WOMAN: Of course.
MAN: This time I’ll try and drink a little slower.