Congratulations! You’ve been selected to be a contestant on Extreme Vetting, where contestants compete against 63,000 other would-be immigrants in grueling battles of merit, skill, and proficiency! This season, you will compete in challenges that will test your physical and mental strength, as well as your willingness to assimilate into and embrace American pop culture!
In the Binge-or-Die Challenge, the goal is to beat other boat people at one of America’s favorite pastimes: binge-watching. From La-Z-Boy recliners, you will race to be the first to conquer Seasons 1-5 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians without getting up to pee or suffering from epileptic seizures. Contestants will be allowed two chances to hit up our Extreme Kitchen and make a gluten-free snack. But beware! That’s a time setback that could cost you a spot in the final round.
The second challenge starts after an Uber drops you off at Battery Park. From there you’ll be given a MetroCard with $1.83 in credit and a copy of the Enquirer. You’ll then have 30 minutes to beat the other contestants to the George Washington Bridge. Yes, we’ve heard complaints that this challenge sounds rigged, but we assure you that success is possible if you pull yourself up by your tattered bootstraps and get on with it. So, stop complaining! GET ON WITH IT!™
Challenge three is called “If You Build It, They Will Come,” where you’ll have 18 minutes to assemble an IKEA Vonswertzerwogen desk and chair. This contest adds an unexpected twist because only the winner of the previous round will have directions that are dry. The other contestants will receive soggy instructions sheets from spilled Starbucks Mocha Caramel Acai Berry Latte.
The next event will test your social media savvy. The contestant with the most followers and likes after live-tweeting during a broadcast of America’s Got Talent, wins the round. Please note, that if you are a contestant whose hands were chopped off by militants before you escaped your country by swimming across shark-infested bodies of water, we will fit you with a prosthetic thumb that will allow you to tweet almost just as quickly. The engineers of the thumb — winners of the Thomas Edison Elementary Sixth Grade Science Fair — will be on hand to take pictures with you and your thumb after the show. Also, the refs are actually plain clothes police officers, ready to taser any one of you that speaks your native language in a loud, harsh manner, scaring members of our live studio audience.
The final round this season is a doozy. You will be sequestered in Governor Mike Pence’s Indiana basement for a “Pray the Gay Away” weekend retreat catered by Chick-fil-A. It’s a three day test of spiritual endurance that begins with memorizing and reciting the book of Revelations in English and Latin. Then you’ll watch the movie Left Behind and have to upload a Snapchat that explains how you’d feel if you were stuck on earth with Donald Trump after the rapture. Only the strongest refugee will survive this weekend cognitively unscathed, ready to receive permanent asylum seeker status and all the American rights therein to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Throughout the show you will be pushed to the border of your own sanity — but at least it’s a border you can cross legally, right?! The winner — and there will only be one (who wants a taco or falafel truck on every corner anyway?) — will have the right to pay taxes in the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. USA! USA! USA!
But enough talk… LET’S! GET! ON! WITH! IT!™ It’s vetting time!