Hello, distant acquaintances! Have you heard they’re having another election? It’s true! You know I’m a levelheaded fellow without a strong party preference or political ideology, but I pride myself on doing my homework before participating in this sacred institution of American democracy. And by that I mean that I read your Facebook and Twitter posts. The good news is that I’m just now starting to pay attention to this crazy horserace we call an election, and my openness to new points of view is rivaled only by my delicate, morally conventional sense of propriety, so I sure hope nothing shocking or unconventional has transpired!

Have you heard about Donald Trump? From what I’ve gathered, he’s a successful businessman who used to have a popular TV show! What’s next, a Hollywood movie star as president?? Oh wait, I think we already had one — so I guess that means Trump is a lot like Reagan, a president who is remembered with universal fondness? I would certainly be taken aback if a prominent family member or former colleague of Reagan’s made a passionate case to the contrary — such an unexpected turn of events would cause me to reassess my torpid openness to a Trump presidency!

Still, success in the world of real estate sounds like a solid basis for becoming our Commander in Chief, wouldn’t you say? From what I’ve been able to gather from glancing at muted cable news channels while drinking in safari-themed airport bars, Trump fits the bill. I guess the only way so solid a case could be undermined were if a prominent economist or public intellectual published an editorial opposing Trump, or arguing that he hasn’t actually been successful at all, given his privileged background. But what are the odds of that, and even if it had happened, where could I find such editorials? I’m lost!

Speaking of editorials, if you’re like me, you allow the people who edit major newspapers to make most of the key decisions in your life. Who knows — one of them might be Superman! Imagine if an historically conservative paper, instead of endorsing the Republican candidate as one would almost certainly expect, actually endorsed the Democrat! I would involuntarily spit my milk out on my spouse, who is also on the fence about whom to vote for this year.

But if there’s one thing that I won’t compromise on it’s respect for women. Call me old fashioned, but I believe it’s never appropriate to call women fat pigs, make public reference to their menstruations, or unexpectedly grab them by the nethers. And that goes double for former Miss. Universe winners! But I have no reason to think Donald Trump figures into this discussion at all, and frankly I can’t think of anyone in the White House who’d set a better example for women and girls. I wish that I could!

Free trade and immigration are also important issues to me, though I couldn’t tell you exactly how or why. I just know something has to be done! But my steadfast moral compass means any instance of bigotry or intolerance are absolute deal-breakers — right up there with insulting Vietnam-era POWs, or mocking the disabled. Any idea where I might find information about whether any of the candidates have exhibited such troubling character flaws? It might make the difference in this election were I to see someone post an article about it!

I guess staying well-informed is harder than I thought, but with your guys’ help, I’m sure I’ll figure this out eventually. The important thing to remember is that people like me absolutely exist and are in no way a figment of your imagination! So when you’re posting half a dozen Trump articles per day, you and I know it’s because you’re a true patriot, and not just a leech on whatever dwindling pleasure social media brings to your friends’ wretched lives.

(but still thinking Trump is a pretty solid choice — prove me wrong!)

P.S. Any opinions about the Bernie-or-bust movement? They make some good points!