This summer, Fyre Media is proud to partner with Theranos to offer you a two-day experience featuring the very best in music, food, and diagnostic bloodwork. CNBC’s StockWatch once praised Theranos and its founder Elizabeth Holmes as, “the best thing to happen with blood since the Last Supper,” while Fyre Media’s visionary wunderkind and CEO, Billy McFarland, has been described as a visionary wunderkind by this very sentence.
The festival will feature the music of S.P.O.R.F, DJ Dumb Guts, Malcolm in the Missile, Les Undergrads, Data En:try, and Blink-182. Each guest will be provided a privilege-certified geodesic tent with luxe accommodations and a private, state-of-the-art blood-testing apparatus, which may look like a Mr. Coffee with syringes taped to it, but which couldn’t possibly be because its inventor dropped out of college for being too smart.
Purchasing the Advanced Platinum Elite Day Voyager package for $7,000 will grant you access to only a fraction of the event’s offerings and is not recommended. For $14,000 you will be able to purchase our Premium Résumé Builder package and attend the event as an unpaid intern, where you can soak up the sun, engage in tense standoffs with customs officials, and conduct the vast majority of the full-panel blood tests. For those seeking a VIP experience, there is our $30,000 Please Also Provide Your Social Security Number package as well as our $40,000 Freaky Friday package in which you will be struck by lightning while drinking out of the same giant margarita as an Instagram influencer. You and the influencer will then swap bodies for 48 hours until you’ve both learned a valuable lesson.
The blood tests you receive at Blood Fystyvyl will only require a fraction of the blood used in traditional, unbranded lab tests. For $5,000, exclusive attendees will have the chance to hear their test results sung at them by Blink-182 to the tune of one of the band’s hit songs. For $15,000, Blink-182 will compose an original melody inspired by your bloodwork. To ensure the most accurate test results, we also encourage attendees to replace their normal blood with massive transfusions of Fystyvyl Blood for $3,000 per quart. Fystyvyl Blood is a unique formula of water, salt, proteins, and blood cells that is guaranteed to provide you with an immersive circulatory experience; it will take your basic biological functions to the next level.
Did we forget to mention that while you wait to hear back on your exclusive, one-of-a-kind battery of blood tests, you will also be enjoying the natural beauty of a private island once owned by acquitted murder suspect and celebrity Robert Blake? Follow in the footsteps of greatness by nervously pacing up and down the same beaches Blake once did so that your imagined proximity to an infamous figure can inspire you on your unique quest to feel significant.
In conclusion, we here at Fyre Media and Theranos believe very strongly in the mission of Blood Fystyvyl, because both of our organizations are devoted to the boundaries of the limitless, especially when it comes to intuition-based business valuation. After all, nobody can tell you what to do when no one knows where you’re going or what you’re talking about. Because when the journey and the destination are the same, it doesn’t matter if you ever arrive or if the trash barges onto which we’ve crudely spray painted the phrase FUN YACHT are in fact seaworthy. Reality is and always will be hard work, which means that for those of us who refuse to accept that limitation, the impossible is the only possibility. But don’t just take our word for it, here are several more words from the dictionary: exclusive, revolutionary, infinite, groundbreaking, power, sexy, and sex.