Hello there. I see you are looking under my bed. Welcome. I’m glad you’re here because I’d like to announce that I am running for President of the United States. I am the perfect candidate because unlike Beto O’Rourke, I am not on top of a table, and unlike Joe Biden, I am not kissing or hugging anybody. Instead, I am lying on my stomach, under my bed, far from everything. That is why I should be your president.

For over two centuries we have had presidents (men!) who have started wars, bombed cities, and died (RIP, Abe). It is time for a woman who has done none of these things because she has been lying prostrate on the floor for a very long time. Laissez-faire? More like Laissez-boy, or in my case, woman. Women can be lazy too, guys.

Americans want change. They don’t want what old, hack politicians stand for. That’s where I come in because I’m not standing for anything, or standing at all. Is this clear? I am lying down. I am very tired.

It’s true, there are already some women candidates, but they’ve already received complaints: Warren is too serious, Gillibrand is too tall, Klobuchar is too horny. I get it. I am none of these things. The way in which my stomach presses against the floor minimizes airflow, thereby making me always feel lightheaded and giddy. Since I’m lying down, I am — on a good day — six inches tall. Plus, because I am so often asleep, I am never horny.

If you elect me, a woman lying down, as your president, I can promise no more wall, no more bans, and no more new racist laws. Why? Because I am too tired to get anything done. I have found the perfect way to lie down and that is a lot for one person to do in a lifetime. We should all unite as a country and be proud of me.

Many politicians flip-flop on their positions, but mine has largely remained the same. Sometimes fetal, sometimes on the back, sometimes “left-fetal.” But for the past several years I have only flipped once — never flopped. America deserves a consistent president who strongly maintains the same position: on her stomach.

Please go vote for me, because I cannot physically go myself. Vote for a female president that serves your needs, especially if your needs are something I can do while lying on the floor of my bedroom, like having a dream about winning a large trophy. I want each and every little girl out there to know that she is one melatonin capsule away from becoming the “leader of the free country.” I want every city in America to become “the city that always sleeps.” Until we all figure out how to be cozy, we can never feel truly free. Thank you.

Actually, wait, before you go, will you pass me that pillow from across the room? Thank you. God bless America and goodnight. The switch is by the door there. Thanks.