Welcome to Public School Airlines!

This is your captain speaking. Well, maybe I should say “intern captain” since I’m still completing my flight training. I’m by my lonesome up here in the cabin — unless your parents can organize a Mardi-Gras-themed fundraiser for a co-pilot in the next five minutes.

A warm welcome to all of our Platinum Plus Medallion Liquid Swords Members — wait, hold on, I’ve just been informed that they’ve all chartered a private plane to our destination. Well, they were real nice.

You’ll find a copy of our inflight magazine in your seatback pocket, but since most of you are not proficient readers, you can just flip through to the pictures of perfect strangers leering at one another at a Club Med in Barbados.

If you have any special needs or require accommodations, please inform the single, overwhelmed flight attendant so that she can process your request, which will be responded to within 60 days, or quite possibly misplaced. Should you be approved, she will cover the costs of any needed supports from her personal bank account. Good looks, Tricia!

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Of course, those of you from places like New York, D.C., and Connecticut will probably enjoy it more, since you paid three times the price for your seat as those sorry saps from Idaho. Oh, and if there are any Utah-based passengers on today’s flight, I hope you are finding the floor in front of the bulkhead seats to be pleasant enough.

In the event of an emergency, please be advised that we have literally zero safety precautions. We used to have some kind of window-slidey things but we had to cut them back in the ’70s so that big corporations and billionaires could pay fewer taxes. Please don’t congregate near the lavatories, and if anyone, probably after some congregating, pulls out a weapon, feel free to pull out yours. You did bring a weapon, right?

Hope you’re hungry, cause we’ve dropped a whopping $2.48 on each of your meals. Dip your burrito stick in some white rice and give the clouds a big “fuck you” because you’re the king of the sky! But a friendly reminder not to lick the walls or drink the water, there’s a 44% chance this place is riddled with lead.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention — FAA regulations now require that we keep passengers at least six feet apart, that all passengers wear masks at all times, and that we sanitize frequently. Once we hit cruising altitude, we’ll be asking 1-3% of you to kindly throw yourselves into the depths below. If there are not enough volunteers, we may need to draw straws. Hmmm, I have just been informed we are out of straws.

Well, just 13 years until we reach our final destination. After we land, I’ve got another three-hour drive home to the boonies — you think I can afford to live in Cincinnati on a pilot’s salary??! Hey 32F, put your mask back on or I’m paging Tricia.

And finally, we want to acknowledge our partner, the federal government, without whose generosity we could not continue to woefully underserve our customers and criminally underpay our employees.

Have a nice flight!