Welcome to the Wikipedia Article for Ducks, You Fucking Moron

Duck
Duck is the common name for numerous species of waterfowl in the family Anatidae, and — come on, man, do we really need to do the full Wikipedia treatment on this one? It’s a duck. Just look at it, you fucking moron. Do we really need to go into cosmopolitan distributions and insular biogeography, or do you kind of get it? It’s a fucking duck.

You do know what we do here, right? This is Wikipedia: where we take super basic shit and make it way more complicated than it needs to be. Some people say “ducks waddle,” but on Wikipedia, we say: “the lateral curvature of the legs hinders terrestrial locomotion.”

Really — you’re still here? Who even are you? A person who googled “ducks” but already knows about phylogenetic trees? Are you a little kid? No, you’d have already left. An ornithologist who got bonked on the head and forgot everything about his own profession? No, that’s a plotline for a Disney Channel original movie. What reading level are we even working with? You, sir, are a Catch-22 (disambiguation).

You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, pal. Go ahead, click print. That’s right: this article is 554 pages long. Most people would see that and say: “Jesus Christ (Christian theology)! What more could I possibly need to know about ducks?” And I would personally agree with them. This entire article’s overkill, and I say that as an editor for Wikipedia.

Okay… I take your word for it, you fucking enigma. You really want to learn more about ducks. So, for 33,000 other uses, see Usage in popular culture — are you working on a competing encyclopedia?

Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Animalia. Phylum: Chordata. If in real life, you asked someone, “What are ducks,” and they responded all the way down to the genus and species, you’d immediately file a restraining order. So why did you come to Wikipedia for ducks — you do realize there’s a thing called Planet Earth (TV series), right?

Diet
Bread. I don’t know, what more do you want from me?

Predators
Us, probably?

List of All 300 Duck Breeds
I didn’t bother to write the list. Figured you wouldn’t get this far.

Taxonomy
Ducks aren’t a monophyletic group, but rather, a form taxon¹—come on, man, what are we doing here? Are you some kind of perverted duck freak? You like it when daddy uses the big words to make the quack quacks sound good? I’m getting a weird vibe from you, and I want it to stop.

Phallus (Duck Penis)
This part I at least understand. You’re a 13-year-old boy who came to Wikipedia to laugh at the duck’s ridiculous corkscrew penis.

You’re gonna love these hundreds² of pictures³ of duck penises⁴ (why aren’t you clicking them?) and super weird duck penises (we have analytics, we know you’re not clicking them) that researchers⁵ have photographed next to measuring sticks[6-31] and measuring tapes[32-305] (You’re a FREAK! You hear me? I don’t want to live in a world with a freak who’s hornier for the Ancient Greek etymology of the word “duck” than a picture of a good, old-fashioned³⁰⁶ red-blooded³⁰⁷ American³⁰⁸ duck penis!³⁰⁹)

Personal Life & Early Career
Married to duck. Child of duck. Yeah, you freak! I’m making a mockery of the Wikipedia page you love!

Donate
Please donate to Wikipedia. If everyone donated just $5, we could stop this campaign right now, but let’s be honest, most people don’t love Wikipedia as much as you do — you generous duck philanthropist. Oh god… I’m a sellout.

References
1. “The Structure, Origin, and Evolution of Waterfowl” — come on, man, are you really going to do more reading?

2-309. “Duck Phallus” — Please click these for the love of everything holy!