Tons to talk about this week, Zone Oners! Kicking it off:

Buzzy in Cabin John Woods is in open talks with Leonard in Gainsborough Gulley over a new deal that would see the former cardiothoracic surgeon become the area’s largest possessor of canned tuna. How about sharing some of that there oily fishy, doc?!

Still no word on my ex, Rachel. But feelers are out!

Betty in Potomac is inconsolable after sleeping with “a roving band of cannibals” so shortly after dear hubby was consumed by a (different!) swarm of insatiable flesh eaters. We’ve all been there, Betty!

Could it be true that the Hells Bells Militia is set on the elimination of any hated intellectuals who wear glasses? Sounds a bit… short-sighted! Don’t look at me! I wear contacts!!

Blind gossip! Which former one-armed Commandant of Zone 4 is rumored to have run off with a certain “Rachel” but is not always “up” to meeting her special “needs.” You heard it here first, folks!

According to Mountain Annie at Zone 3… the Hottest Wampum Currency this winter will be… untainted tablets of Zithromax! Get searchin’, readers!

Bang Bang Billy is back and recuperating comfortably in his very own dirt trench after a close call with a tribe of feral bikers on motorbikes! His plan now? “Just relax and scrounge up enough wood to build that goddamn catapult I’ve wanted forever!!” Go get ’em, Bang Bang!

Still no word on when your humble gossip columnist can move back into his former colonial on Tuckerman Lane commandeered by a secret government agency that may (or may not?) be the source of our current “predicament”! Word is still out! As am I! C-c-c-c-c-c-c-cold in this here storage locker! Fingers crossed!

If mine ears doth not deceive—and exactly when have they ever? — Pumping Station 23 will be running again in no time! I look forward to all of us wetting our whistles for up to five minutes a day on that most isotope-free agua this side of the Southern Free-Lands! So, come on, Rach, how about a teeny-tiny toast with your former fella?!

Spotted weaving down Democracy Road… yet another Non-Townie with a debilitating case of Captain Wobbles! Sad to see the World Killing Virus still so hard at work! Wish I could be this industrious! If a Rickety Ricky or a Shaky Sam comes in for a kiss or “love” bite, run for them thar hills!!!

Banner day for bookworms!! If you thought the Lost Libraries had been burned to the ground with staff still inside during Summer Purifications… there’s some news to “check out.” (No card required!!) A certain proprietor who shall remain nameless due to valid fears of being quartered by four trucks has painstakingly reassembled up to three-dozen paperback novels and will allow them to be read on premises at the cost of one sorely needed pint of A-negative blood — truly an oasis for the intellect that Rachel would have adored had men with wolves on chains not come calling at my home at her request!!

Rachel, please.

If you’re a fan of brightly colored seashells like I, Bongo Billy (Bang Bang’s younger bro) is definitely your man! Gap between the Two Giant Holes In Which Orphan Children Live on Seven Locks next to Salt Tablet Dispensary! And this HAS NOT BEEN A PAID-IN-SEA-SHELL ADVERTISEMENT! Ahem. Winkers!…

I’m still reeling over twenty-five sacrificed men, women, and children at the hands of the Wood Creatures and their much fêted Penumbral Lunar Eclipse last night! Word has it that the celebration was dazzling and touching, even better than last year’s Death Soiree… Hey guys: what does a Gossip Columnist have to do exactly to get an INVITE?!!!

Breaking! If you’re reading this parchment paper tacked to the light pole just outside the Red Sector A entrance, please say hi to my “main man” Duke the Juke, serving up the best fire-roasted squirrel-on-a-wire-hanger in the Unrestricted District Territory! (8 – 3 PM, but earlier if Tameless Men With Chainsaws happen to surprise!)

Meat You There?! I spy with my one working eye a mostly intact cow carcass merely half a kilometer deep into The Exclusion Zone. Even after The Reavers claim their fill, there should be more than enough Bessie on the bones for us B-List scavengers!

And if you see Rachel there, tell her to come home. Let her know I love her, and I’ll never again barter her for a mallet and a pouch of salt…

That’s it for this week! I’m a gossip man, no time to talk! Keep them Gossip yummy tidbits a-comin’, Zone Oners! And oh yeah: keep Stayin’ Alive!…