Hi, it’s us, Darren, Adam, Doug, and Other Adam. We’re the four disruptive restaurateurs bringing the authentic flavors of the streets of Rio to your lily-white suburb.

At our 45-seat bistro, you’ll have a gastronomical experience that’s one-part saboroso, and three-parts funded by our rich dads. This is Brazilian food that’s approachable, energetic, and completely hand-crafted by smug, white 28-year-olds.

Our storied history begins with a vacation that Other Adam took to Rio De Janeiro last year. He had one look around and said, “I’m definitely going to steal these ideas.” The rest, they say, is history.

When you walk in, you’ll notice that our menus are handwritten. That’s because we believe in the individuality of our dishes. It’s for sure not because we can’t figure out how to type accent marks over some the letters.

Take a look around and enjoy a design aesthetic inspired by the lush coastal beaches of São Paulo, but purchased entirely at Crate & Barrel. Hear that music playing over the speakers? That’s the Austin Powers theme song and it is Bossa Nova music. See that picture on the wall? It’s professional skateboarder Bob Burnquist. Apparently he’s Brazilian.

While you wait two hours for a table, have a Caipirinha at the bar. This drink — the national cocktail of Brazil — is a perfect balance of lime juice, sugar, and, uh, rum or something. We’re certainly drinking them in the kitchen. Perhaps you’d like to have an appetizer while you watch a futebol match, which, I have been told, is actually soccer.

With over 28 months of combined restaurant experience, you know that when we say “hand selected and locally sourced” we more than likely know what we’re talking about. Ever heard of a Pastel de Queijo? Neither had we until a few months ago. We won’t let that stop us from selling them to you for $15.99.

We do this all for you. It’s truly a labor of love. We work nearly three dozen hours each week with one simple goal in mind: to make the best Brazilian food in the world. For white people, by white people.

So come in, grab a table, and get a taste of Brazil. Say hi to us while you’re here. We’re always happy to talk with our customers. But whatever you do, don’t ask us how to pronounce any of the dishes on the menu. Because we have no idea.