“We’re revolutionizing communication.”
We’re putting cameras and microphones in your home.

“Helping people forge connections.”
This app alienates you from people you thought were your friends.

“Helping people forge new connections.”
A fuck app.

“A new way to invest.”
An S&P 500 fund.

“Decentralized currency.”
Money you can use to buy drugs.

“Hello, neighbor!”
Our new headquarters is being built in your city. Expect an increase in luxury housing nobody lives in, drone hobbyists, and grown men wearing corporate T-shirts to dates.

“Great corporate culture.”
Your coworkers will overshare about their personal lives.

“We’re a disruptive player.”
Our business model relies on investors footing the bill while we undercut competitors.

“100% free.”
Our app needs permission to access your microphone and contacts for no apparent reason.

“Building modern solutions.”
Home goods that solve a problem that doesn’t exist.

“We’re searching for a good market fit.”
We built something that nobody wants.

“Change the way you get your news.”
We don’t believe in paying journalists.

“Machine learning solutions.”

“Data Science.”

“Take control of your money.”
A predatory payday loan.

“We offer a suite of products.”
Vertical integration.

“We’re the go-to guys.”
Horizontal integration.

“We’re reaffirming our commitment to diversity.”
Our CEO said something racist and/or homophobic.

“Staffing solutions.”
Outsourcing work to India.

“We value our community.”
We have a volunteer day where everyone does an hour of work then drinks beer.

“Serial entrepreneur.”
Aimless 20-year-old born into wealth.

“Angel investor.”
A wealthy aunt.

“Cut out the middle man.”
We are buying cheap, white-label products off of Amazon and reselling them as upscale products.

“Our office is a home.”
Free coffee in the kitchen.

“Honesty policy.”
A pre-cursor to corporate theft.

“Corporate theft.”
A phrase people who haven’t looked up their CEO’s salary use.

“Our pets are family.”
The carpet is disgusting; you will see a dog with a collar worth more than your rent.

“Scenic campus.”
The headquarters is like an hour outside of the city.

“Collaborative environment.”
People talk over each other.

“Sweet perks.”
A keg in the break room, but C-tier health insurance.