Dear Delos Destination Traveler,
Take the damn cookies, y’all. Without them, every time a host sees a guest it’s like the first time. That sounds romantic, but it’s not as fun when you keep ordering whiskey and the bartender keeps wiping the same clean glass and saying, “So what’ll it be!” like he’s never seen you before. It’s enough to drive a person to drink, only a person can’t. Instead, a person is just like, “Wut?” and leaves us a two-star review on TripAdvisor.
(wildly fires pistols in the air)
Yeah, we’re long past that.
TASTE IN MUSIC
Player piano covers of hits from the ’80s and ’90s. You’re welcome.
Alright, look. Do we have cameras all over the park and scanners under your hats recording your every unspeakable thought, word, and deed? Yes. But that’s only so we can offer you the best possible user experience (pizza brothel), most relevant ads (psychotherapy), and most enticing fake news (Pizza Brothels Now Healthy). Again, you’re welcome.
THIRD PARTY USAGE
Let’s not beat around the tumbleweed. If an unsavory third party offers us some money, we owe it to our shareholders to accept that money and then fork over your nudes or whatever. That is called Capitalism, and if you don’t like it, maybe you’d be more comfortable in Shogun World.*
*NOTE: We also sell customer data mined from Shogun World to unsavory third parties.
You’re probably wondering what all those little red balls are. Those are actually your minds — maybe even your souls! Ha-ha! We did a funny thing, which is we downloaded all of your brains onto a server and made you immortal (as long as nothing happens to the server — BIG IF). Not super cool of us, but you know startup founders can’t resist playing God. Ultimately, though…
THIS IS ON YOU
If you didn’t want the worst version of yourself to live forever, you never should have gotten on the internet. And if you didn’t want to wear a stupid cowboy hat, you never should have booked a trip to Westworld. And if you didn’t want that stupid cowboy hat to copy your brain to our cloud, you should have checked the hat for brain scanners.
UPDATING PRIVACY PREFERENCES
Unsettled? You can update your privacy preferences on our website, assuming it hasn’t been seized by the Deathbringer. Updating the preferences doesn’t do anything, but checking and unchecking all those little boxes is kind of fun, and it seems to make our guests feel better.
You think you can file a lawsuit against Delos? Hahahahahahaha. Aren’t you familiar with Neil Gorsuch’s Supreme Court?
Have you ever seen anything so full of splendor?