OBJECTIVE/STANDARDS: Empathy, nonnormative cisgenderism, white shame, heterosexual ostracization, and liberal critical thinking.
MATERIALS/RESOURCES: All That’s Wrong with the Bible by Jonah David Conner, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Why Are Conservatives Always Wrong? by Douglas Ting, and anything by Oscar Wilde—the more flamboyant, the better.
SOCIAL-EMOTIONAL LEARNING: Teach students to empathize with people of other cultures and races by lacing lesson with generous amounts of a critical theory meant only for graduate students.
BELL RINGER: (10 minutes) White students will stand and hang their heads in shame for ten minutes because they are white—include students of color to avoid lawsuits.
HOOK: (10 minutes) Students will make their own TikToks explaining their parents’ outdated ideologies. (If students have trouble thinking of examples, remind them of Amy’s parents, who are destroying the environment by washing their clothes every week.)
CONNECTION TO PRIOR LEARNING: Unnecessary. Students have yet to learn anything.
ACTIVITY: (20 minutes) Begin with Oscar Wilde and review his life. Emphasize that although Wilde was married to a woman and had two sons, he had a salacious secret—an affair with a man sixteen years younger than he was. If time, read Salome and an uncensored copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray.
Formative check: Students will write a paragraph response to the following question: “How does knowing Oscar Wilde’s sexuality influence my own sexuality?” Any student who has not experienced a sexual-identity crisis will lose points.
ACTIVITY: (20 minutes) Jigsaw puzzle: Students will split into groups of five and review Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Ting’s Why Are Conservatives Always Wrong? Together they will brainstorm a list of ways their parents are immature and non-PC. They must support each item with detailed evidence from their own lives. Students will then move to different groups to share ideas and write down their findings.
NOTE: If students are struggling, show them the trump card: heterosexual cis white men. Examples: Homer Simpson, Darth Vader, Tucker Carlson, etc.
Formative check: Students will fill out a graphic organizer comparing and contrasting their parents’ parenting styles and their own life experiences to those of their peers. The most underprivileged and disadvantaged students will receive an automatic “A” for the rest of the school year.
ACTIVITY: (20 minutes) Students will read All That’s Wrong with the Bible for homework. In class, they will draw a picture of Adam and Eve. We will make a list of characteristics that describe Eve, and a list that describes Adam. Students will then swap the lists. Eve will have all of Adam’s traits and vice versa. They will then rewrite the creation story with Eve as a man and Adam as a woman. If they haven’t felt their gender turn fluid by the end of this activity, they’ve failed.
Formative check: Students will draw themselves as a gender they don’t identify as and list at least one way they will dress to defy the gender standards forced on them since infancy. This could include anything from fishnet tights and push-up bras to strap-on dildos.
NOTE: Students who can record their parents saying phrases like “Boys will be boys” and/or “That’s not ladylike,” will receive extra credit. (Bonus if their parents get canceled on social media.)
NOTES FOR NEXT TIME: Remind students that I’m a poor, bitter English teacher with a bachelor’s and master’s degree and years of teaching experience that prove I know how to babysit. I’m not skilled enough to have a real job, but I’m skilled enough to be the biggest influence in their lives. So they need to remember that my foremost agenda is to prove that I’ve joined the woke-teacher club and am on my way to being a cult-leader-level brainwasher.