Contributing Editors
Amy Barnes and Julie Vick

Contributing Writers:
Forrest Ferguson, Kevin McPherson Eckhoff , David McQuary , Brandon Burkhart, Samantha Gurewitz, Gareth Hedges , Julie Vick, Amy Barnes, Sarah James, Jay McAnallen, Adam Corey, Johnny Brayson, and Andrew Bond

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New York Super Fudge Chunk: You report any groups of three or more unaccompanied minors you see in a store to the police.

Karamel Sutra Core: You were kicked out of co-ed yoga for inappropriate attire.

Coconut Seven Layer Bar: You eat Ben & Jerry’s ice cream but have the church pray for your soul afterward.

Pistachio Pistachio: Anarchist Anarchist.

Vanilla: You call your wife “Mother” and gay wedding cakes violate your religious beliefs.

Chunky Monkey: You buy this ice cream because it rhymes. You cannot name another flavor.

Phish Food: You’re gonna spend ten hours eating this one pint of ice cream and then talk about it constantly for the next 20 years.

Chocolate Shake It: You like to bring the boys to the yard but then you hide in the closet and eat ice cream by yourself.

AmeriCone Dream: You are a Trump supporter who didn’t understand that the The Colbert Report was satire.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: Solid. You are solid. There are fifteen people just like you in this grocery store right now and they all live fine, solid lives.

Chocolate Therapy: You can’t afford real therapy.

Any Dairy-Free Flavor: Moral alignment strong, intestinal alignment poor.

Keep Caramel & Cookie On: You love misogynistic web content and have diabetes.

Schweady Balls: The gym world owes you something and that something is not having to wipe down your workout bench.

Caramel Peppermint: You don’t know what you stand for.

Truffle Kerfuffle: You collect cutesy bullshit instead of having a personality.

Chip off the Dough Block: You are disappointed that your children inherited your gigantic hips and small breasts.

The Tonight Dough: You think anything — the moon, the concept of time, the symptoms of salmonella, etc. — is funny.

Chubby Hubby: You share the social outlook of most 2000s sitcom husbands.

Cherry Garcia: You have your own beat-up ice cream truck with a mattress and marijuana garden in the back.