Coors Light: You’ve had the same haircut for years and suddenly you feel like it no longer suits you and you don’t know what to do.
Old Milwaukee: You are a corrupt meter maid.
Ballast Point Mango Even Keel: You’ve deposited the ashes of a loved one on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney World.
Newcastle Brown Ale: Your Beanie Baby collection sold on eBay for less than you thought it would because they did not come from a smoke-free home; you don’t smoke but your Aunt Connie does and she stayed with you for a month while her kitchen was getting remodeled and her smoke got on your Beanie Babies.
Molson Canadian: You work at a trampoline park and host a YouTube channel where you often talk about recreational drug use and recently, your boss overheard you talking about your YouTube channel and you fear that he might check out some of your videos and fire you.
Modelo: You have recently binge-watched all nine seasons of The Facts of Life.
Samuel Adams Boston Lager: Your eyelashes frequently bend the wrong way and stab your eyeball when you blink and it usually takes you days to figure out what’s wrong with your eye.
Yuengling: Your parents made you play basketball as a child and you hated it; also you just met an awesome dog at the dog park and you are sad that you will likely never see him again.
Colt 45: You weren’t invited to your friend’s surprise birthday party but you went anyway and now two or three people (depends on who you ask) who helped plan the party are mad at you.
Fosters: You bought a Kevin Durant Nike Air Max backpack on sale because it was a pretty sweet backpack but you don’t like Kevin Durant that much so you tried to iron on a patch over where it says Kevin Durant but the patch fell off and left this adhesive residue on your backpack.
Stella Artois: There’s a mouse in your room but you can’t tell anyone about it because you think the mouse is there because you stole your sister’s Halloween candy and hid it under your bed and forgot about it.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: You are addicted to Roombas.
New Belgium Fat Tire Belgian White: You have three magnetic parking passes hanging from your rearview mirror (one for your office, one for your gym parking garage, and one for your apartment complex) and you always get them confused.
Miller Lite: You have a bacon gouda sandwich from Starbucks stuck between the driver’s seat and the middle console of your Audi.
Lost Coast Tangerine Wheat: Last night your fingers were too covered in Cheeto dust to change the channel so you watched a show you didn’t want to watch.
Keystone Ice: Your landlord bought you a new washing machine but there’s no place to put the fabric softener so now you have to use that ball thing.
Schlitz: Your coaster at work always attaches itself to your coffee mug and yesterday the coaster fell and when you went to reach for it you spilled coffee on your keyboard.
Hamm’s: You bought your dog a memory foam dog bed and now he prefers to lay in it instead of on the couch with you.
Guinness: You have returned a cinnamon raisin bagel at Panera because it brushed against an onion bagel and tasted like onion bagel and that is one thing you will not tolerate.
Corona: Your bespoke calfskin wingtips make a squeaking noise when you walk even though you have had them for more than four months.
Dogfish Head: You live in a house where raw sewage often bubbles up from the shower drain. When it does you squish it back down the drain with your feet.
Harp: Your favorite movie is Die Hard 5: A Good Day to Die.
Asahi Select: You are a mechanic who likes to go through the CDs in people’s cars.
Big Sky IPA: You once found a crayon in your soup at the Olive Garden.
Dos Equis: The Target by your house stopped selling your favorite deodorant so now you have to go to a different Target to get it.
Tecate: Once, when you were working at the Louis Vuitton store at Caesar’s Palace, you wouldn’t let a woman into the store because she was eating a cheeseburger. That woman? Celine Dion.
Blue Moon: You have dropped your takeout on the floor of a subway car, picked it up, put it back in the takeout container, taken it home, and eaten it.
Dale’s Pale Ale: You took in a wayward man a couple of years ago and let him live in the makeshift shed out behind your house and oh my god he’s still living there.
National Bohemian: You have had at least one friend who has mysteriously vanished.
White House Honey Ale: You end every single thing you post on social media with “Let that sink in” regardless of whether or not what you just said warrants sinking in.
Labatt’s Blue: You really have to go the bathroom but your roommate and his girlfriend are arguing in the living room so you can’t leave your room or else you will get caught in their crossfire.
Beck’s: You are dating someone who is not a Christian but you told your parents that he or she is a Christian; also you once projectile shat in a Burger King bathroom.
St. Pauli Girl: You once busted your mom stealing $20 from your wallet; when you asked her what she was doing she said she needed money for the collection basket at church but you suspect she was going to buy Ecstasy.
Heineken: Your lips are always chapped even though you put Vaseline on them every single day; also you like to ride shotgun in your boss’s Ford Raptor when he goes to make bank drop-offs.
Amstel Light: The best concert you have ever been to was the free Smashmouth show at your local town’s festival in 2005.
Budweiser: You are seated in the quiet car next to a snoring man and you do not have the courage to wake him.