“Scott Pruitt, the administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, is under increased White House scrutiny over his housing and travel arrangements as some of his own senior staff are expressing growing frustration with the public criticism of their boss.” — New York Times, April 5, 2018
American White Pelican
“Scott Pruitt’s scandals at the EPA are pretty damaging, in my opinion,” said the pelican, who then resumed his attempts to extricate himself from a puddle of sludge spreading from an oil refinery that would suffer no consequences for its actions. “This is probably the worst thing he has ever done.”
Lake Huron, Michigan
“I find it pretty suspicious that an EPA administrator was renting an apartment for such a low price from the wife of an energy lobbyist,” noted one of the last piping plovers in the Great Lakes, hopping along the shore and searching fruitlessly for any location for a nest that wasn’t already destroyed by human activity or climate change. “And what makes me angry is that I know the real estate in D.C. is expensive. It’s just so unfair.”
“If you ask me, giving huge raises to your staffers without going through the normal administrative procedures is unacceptable,” said a catfish who prided herself on reading Politico every morning. “And he should have been more careful. Just look at all of the turnover there’s already been in Trump’s cabinet so far.” She then resumed her leisurely swim downstream, ingesting astronomical levels of arsenic, lead, and mercury that would be passed on to the fisherman who caught her later that day.
“But did he really do anything so bad?” asked a Republican-leaning polar bear on a patch of ice. “I mean, yes, he rented his apartment from the wife of an energy lobbyist. But I’m sure lots of lobbyists and government officials responsible for regulation are friends. It’s a revolving door.” At that moment, the bear heard about the EPA administrator’s travel expenses. “What the hell?” he exclaimed, as his ice broke away and started floating into the open ocean.
Yellowstone National Park
“I personally have more issues with Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke. I just don’t like that guy,” opined the large land mammal before being shot by a poacher.
“I’m so confused,” confessed the amphibian, wallowing pensively in the metallic green water of a pond near the heart of American industry. “Who’s in the government anymore? Who’s out? Will we have any stability in policy? This is what worries me most of all.” The frog had seven eyes.
Raleigh, North Carolina
“Does anything even matter?” asked a monarch butterfly, raising its wings in exasperation as it was blown off course on its annual migration by the exhaust from a vehicle that was no longer subject to fuel efficiency standards. “I’m so tired even trying to argue about it at this point. If he leaves, someone else will take his place who will have exactly the same views. It’ll look new and different, but inside it’ll be the same gross hairy caterpillar.”
Coal Mine, West Virginia
The canary had no opinions on any scandals at the EPA. Because it was dead.