“Within a day of the nationwide marches, conspiracist websites began trumpeting the claim that organizers working for billionaire George Soros had paid protesters $300 apiece to march and carry signs for the event.” — Snopes.com
Dear Valued Soros Protester™,
We’d like to thank you for your participation in the recent March for Our Lives and for being such a loyal Soros Protester™. Together, we sent a message to Congress and the NRA, and we are fostering a real conversation about sensible gun control in our country. Throughout our storied history of compensating work-shy millennials to protest in favor of the Soros Liberal Agenda™, we’ve set unprecedented crowd size records, made nearly 3.5 million clever posters, and paid out nearly $25 million in Soros Bucks™. However, effective today, we will be restructuring our Soros Protest Rewards Program™ to offer you better incentives as a thank you for your time, your Instagram posts, and your delightfully clever protest signs.
After much consideration, we have decided to discontinue our Soros x Iceland™ partnership. Over the years, this has become our most popular reward, and we’ve sent nearly ten million millennials to Iceland. It’s truly inspiring to scroll through the Reykjavik geotag on Instagram and see so many Soros Protesters™ taking advantage of this fabulous incentive, and in some ways, the forthcoming “Blue Wave” was born in the Blue Lagoon. Sadly, we fear it’s only a matter of time before the right-wing media connects the dots between the Soros Protest Rewards Program™ and the recent liberal influx to Iceland.
As such, we are pleased to announce that we are launching our new Soros x Tajikistan™ partnership. While spending an all-inclusive week in this stunning Central Asian country nestled between Afghanistan, China, Kyrgyzstan, and Uzbekistan, you’ll have the opportunity to trek the Pamir Highway, pose in front of the Ismoil Somoni statue in the bustling capital of Dushanbe, and to test your mountaineering skills on Lenin Peak! In order to qualify for this once in a lifetime trip, you will need to spend a minimum of THREE hours participating in TWO Soros approved protests. Additionally, you need to attend ONE town hall (you will receive 500 BONUS Soros Bucks™ if the town hall takes place in a red district), you must call THREE of your congressional representatives, and you must write TEN scathing tweets directed at the GOP and/or Fox News hosts. To qualify for the Soros x Tajikistan™ expansion pack including a one-hour session with a professional photographer in the Tajikistani landmark of your choice, you will need to convince ONE of your Republican parents to vote the 2018 Soros Approved Ballot™.
For our valued Soros Protesters™ who actually have jobs and are unable to become full-time Professional Soros Protesters™, we are excited to offer you a new range of rewards that can be enjoyed from the comforts of home. We have reconfigured our entire incentive model to take the form of a monthly delivery service called the Soros Monthly Delivery Rewards Box™. This means that each month, you will receive a curated box full of fun products and experiences depending on the amount of Soros Bucks™ you accumulated the previous month. Based off our recent rewards survey, we’re currently offering three different Soros Monthly Delivery Rewards Box™ themes: Soros x Arts & Culture™, Soros x Foodies™, and Soros x Student Loan Refinancing™, but we will continue to add fun and exciting themes in the coming months to best serve and reward you!
Lastly, with a heavy heart, we are discontinuing our Soros Millennial Initiative™, and effective immediately, we will only be offering incentives to 14 through 19-year-old Soros Protesters™. This age bracket has breathed new life into our program, and quite frankly, they’ve achieved more in the past month for the Soros Liberal Agenda™ than our Soros Millennial Initiative™ ever has. In addition to the exciting rewards mentioned above, Soros Teens™ who conduct TWO interviews on a national network and organize ONE mass protest movement will qualify for a Soros Scholarship™ to the left wing university of their choice.
Thank you again for all of your hard work the past few years, and we look forward to advancing our agenda together.
Death to Capitalism,