“I’m very concerned that Russia will be fighting very hard to have an impact on the upcoming Election. Based on the fact that no President has been tougher on Russia than me, they will be pushing very hard for the Democrats. They definitely don’t want Trump!” — @realDonaldTrump, July 24, 2018

- - -

Folks, I find it ridiculous that I have to fold my large wings and address you here today. I did not want to take time out of my very busy schedule of chanting in Latin backwards and making blood pour out of religious statues to address baseless accusations. However, the deceitful media has left me no choice. Normally, deceit is one of my favorite things, but today, it is a nuisance.

I am appalled at the insinuation that Satan will interfere in the upcoming election to tip the scales in my favor. There is no world in which Satan would want me, a cloven-hoofed angel of darkness who carries out his wishes, to win in the upcoming election. I am Satan’s worst enemy and I misspoke when I said, “I would incinerate every person on Earth for my master.” I meant to say I wouldn’t do that. Believe me.

Despite being one of his underlings who is bound to him forever, I have been extremely tough on the Devil. Lest you forget, I publicly denounced Satan when he hacked Judas and forced him to betray Jesus. But, the media loves to ignore that. They instead focus on our joint press conference. Yes, I sat at my liege’s feet and silently nodded along as he opened a massive, fiery chasm in the center of the room and denied all Judas interference. If you take that press conference at face value, though, you are neglecting to consider that my submission to the Prince of Hell is simply the latest example of my cunning, dexterous diplomacy.

Why would Satan want to help me? I imposed strict sanctions on Pandæmonium, so I’m his worst nightmare. Those sanctions are not dampened by the fact that I repeatedly insist he’s a great and smart leader who should have unfettered access to all of our souls. My wonderful rapport with the Dark Lord is ultimately an asset, so there’s nothing wrong with our recent meeting and joint press conference going so well. In fact, I look forward to drawing a pentagram on the floor and summoning Satan for a second meeting this fall.

We need to come together and put to bed the idea that Satan might have some sort of preference for me as a candidate just because I fear his wrath and serve him blindly. I’m very concerned that Satan will be fighting very hard to have an impact on the upcoming election. I know he definitely doesn’t want me to win because of how tough I’ve been on him. Luckily for the citizens of our country, I’ve got Satan right where I want him: controlling my every move since I am merely an extension of him.