On this day, a holiday to wave the American flag, I ask one simple question: When did America become overrun with cultural ignorance, intentional divisiveness, anti-intellectualism, normalizing hatred, fear and paranoia, homophobia, Islamophobia, misogyny, anti-progress, general malaise, war crimes, political violence, mosque violence, church violence, baseball field violence, gridiron domestic violence, elementary school violence, nightclub violence, airplane fights, being forcibly ejected from protests, a three-year water crisis, an oil spill on ancestral land, greed and corporations, dashcam shootings, painful outcomes from a rigged system, resistance, rebellion, tearing shit up, screaming at the wind, marching, mobilizing, boycotting free Shakespeare, threatening free speech, recusing, resigning, impeaching, election meddling, obstructions, hostile cyber-attacks, truthers, liars, leakers, leaked tapes, leaking pee pee tapes, Infowars, Daily Caller, No Spin News, fake news, fake attendance, fake polls, fake medals, alternative facts, Bowling Green Massacre that never happened, the Salem Witch Trials that wasn’t a play, The Crucible (which is an actual play but is never mentioned), livestream suicides, must-see TV confessions, must-see open Senate hearings, closed hearings, confirmation hearings, heated sessions, Jeff Sessions, Special Counsel, Special Prosecutor, Independent Counsel, FISA warrants, subpoenas, executive privileges, executive orders, backchannels, top security clearance, tax credits, secret tax returns, double-counting, Trumpkins, snowflakes, expensive medication, expensive rent, expensive higher education, unlivable wage, I’ll get my manager — oh right that’s me — wait, we still don’t have an FBI Director, business-casuals, secret meetings, all-hands meetings, handsy meetings, workplace sexual harassment, workplace bullying, trolls, bots, chatbots, no time to chat, standing for the anthem, taking a knee during the anthem, booing, heckling, exercising your rights, knowing your rights, people fighting for those rights, hanging up the cleats, don’t hang up those cleats, Sofia, we’re late for soccer practice, wiretapping — I’m almost ready to tap out — hand me your sister Isabella’s tap shoes unless it’s a ballet recital, do I have the diaper bag or did I grab the Swiffer as I always do, we’re late, we need to jet, — travel bans, deportations, tomahawk cruise missiles — where are my keys? — I’ll carry you, everyone into the car thank you, THANK YOUUU, wow, that worked — a first, first 100 days, learning process, seatbelts clicking, carseat securing, cracking code, decoding Covfefe, second-cup caffeinated, second time wearing this coffee-stained shirt, wait a second, did I take the baby’s sippy cup, (note: need to stop somewhere for a juice box), treat myself this one time to that gooey cake, pre-existing conditions, incompetent healthcare, walls bordering, provoking nuclear war, warring with allies, reassuring allies, aggressive hand shaking, no hand shaking, body slamming, trash talking, temper tantrums — I’m not talking about you; I’m talking about our government — yes to sleepover, I agree to the class field trip, Paris Agreement withdrawing, world burning, renegotiating, skipping the Correspondents’ Dinner, dinner tonight what can I Maple Glaze Spiral Reheat, bake sale did I say on Tuesday I meant Wednesday, undoing, changing the rules, kleptocracy, MSM, MSNBC, ACA, ACLU renewing, PTA meeting, Paul Ryan smiling, random men telling you to smile, Mommy’s not telling you to smile, minding business, mining coal, miming Watergate, don’t kick your sister, kickball camp, day camp (cool), faraway camp (cooler), me in an exotic location (coolest), hold on hon, interrupting Senator Elizabeth Warren, interrupting Senator Kamala Harris, interrupting Hillary Clinton 51 times in a single presidential debate, I’m your personal Uber and as über-Mom I’m dropping you off in clear view of everybody because I’m edgy like that, persisting, Deep State-ing, Teen Vogue-ing, just so much life happening, so many stupid things happening, missing 2016, not having a clue how to fix anything anymore, want to do what must be done as an American and, lastly, GOLFING?!?!?

I’ll wait.