I am running for Congress in Florida, and if you choose me as your Republican nominee on August 28th I solemnly pledge to eat one of President Trump’s turds.
All five Republican candidates in this race have promised blind, unwavering support for the Trump agenda. But only I have declared that I am willing to go the extra mile to show voters what true patriotism looks like.
It looks like eating a turd.
Unfortunately, President Trump has not yet asked me to eat one of his turds. Though during a recent fundraiser in Tallahassee I did raise the possibility with him. The president praised the idea, saying: “Sure, maybe. Maybe we can set that up.”
At this, I gave a crisp salute and then grabbed a tureen of scalding hot soup from a nearby table and upended it over my head, while shrieking, “I DO THIS FOR YOU, O GREAT ONE!”
This is why I am covered in second-degree burns in some of my newer campaign ads. It is also why I am the best choice to represent my district in the One Hundred Sixteenth Congress.
The so-called frontrunner in this race, Dan Brufroy recently told the editorial board of The Miccosukee Herald-Courier that if he wins the nomination he will personally wring all the sweat out of one of Donald Trump’s old socks and lap it up like a “little baby kitty cat.”
Pshaw, talk about a RINO. If Dan is not willing to gobble down one of the president’s steaming hot poohs, can he really be counted on to reflexively support the president 100% of the time, no matter what? I don’t think so.
Some members of the Fake News Media have pointed out that another opponent, former Florida Commissioner of Education Ted Olruyd, has said that he will “hungrily consume whatever the Immortal God-King Trump doth command [him] to” and that this technically includes turds. First, this guy is totally copying me. Second, if you read the entirety of Ted’s statement, he clearly specifies that he’ll only eat a turd if he can put hot sauce on it.
No thanks, Ted. No hot sauce for me. America first.
By now you all know that my main campaign promise is that I will eagerly snarf Trump feces if asked, but today I am proud to announce a broad slate of other things I would unquestioningly do for our Commander-in-Chief:
- Lie flat on my back and let him hit golf balls off a tee clenched in my teeth
- Offer him the right of Prima Nocta if I ever get married (Yes, this is me proposing, Janine!)
- Go and buy him McDonald’s totally nude
- Switch places with him so it looked like I was driving during a car accident
- Allow his rambunctious elder sons to “suplex” me
- Let him bury me alive
- Eat one of his Trump Steaks™
I hope these promises make it abundantly clear: there is no one in this race more slavishly devoted to our president than me.
OK, fine, you could maybe argue that State Senator Dale Stukle — who set himself on fire, like the famous Vietnamese monk, to honor Donald Trump — had me beat, but that guy’s dead now, so you can’t vote for him.
In conclusion, as the most conservative, least dignified candidate running, I would be honored to have your primary vote on August 28th and in the general election on November 6th. As your Congressman, know that I will thoughtlessly defend whatever the president says or does, even in the vanishingly rare instances when the tiny, shattered remnants of my (already defective!) moral compass may tell me otherwise. After all, somebody has to keep the Democrats in check.
And I swear to you that if and when the fateful day comes I will answer the call. I already have a little bib with a big T on it. T for Trump; T for turd.
In fact, I never take it off.