I/E: Introvert / Extrovert
N/S: Intuitive / Sensing
F/T: Feeling / Thinking
P/J: Perceiving / Judging
INTJ: “The Nerd Emperor” – Instead of taking the Myers-Briggs test, you’ll write a lengthy Medium post explaining why you refuse to take the Myers-Briggs test.
ENTJ: “The Opportunist” – Instead of taking the test, you’ll give a TED talk explaining why the test is bullshit. After it goes viral, you’ll release your best-selling book, What Myers-Briggs Gets Wrong About Millennials.
ENTP: “The Professional Corrector” – You’ll take the test, then reply to the INTJ’s Medium post and the ENTJ’s TED talk with, “Just so you know…” followed by some irrelevant statistics about gang violence in Honduras.
ISTJ: “The Square” – You’ll get your five closest friends from your Malcolm Gladwell book club to do the test for you, to ensure all answers are fair and unbiased.
ISFP: “The Esoteric Artist” – You’ll take the Myers-Briggs test, then create a two-hour experimental musical interpretation of your results with tambourines, jazz clarinets, and sperm whale mating calls.
INTP: “The Data Junkie” – You’ll take the Myers-Briggs, the Enneagram, the Sonkanu Career Test, the Hogwarts Sorting Hat Test, and the BuzzFeed quiz, “Which type of potato are you?” You’ll plot the results in an Excel sheet and analyze for patterns.
ISTP: “The Mysterious Commitment-Phobe” – You’ll take the Myers-Briggs, answering every question as though you are Elvis.
INFP: “The Sensitive Druid” – You’ll start the test, answer two questions, then get distracted by a poetry anthology by William Carlos Williams.
ESFP: “The Flibbertigibbet” – You won’t take the Myers-Briggs test, but you will post a link to it on Facebook with the caption “Whoa!” followed by three different ladybug emojis.
ENFJ: “The Pied Piper” – The cult you lead, The Children of Ra, has its own personality test. Of course, it’s not so much a test as it is a method of having group sex based on the Sun’s phases. So, no, you won’t take it.
ESTP: “The YOLO Boss” – Your assistant will take the test for you. You’re just too busy with the ayahuasca retreat you’re doing with Bono.
ESTJ: “The Dictator” – You’ll refuse to take it. You’re the CEO of this company, and you answer to no one! You’ll stare down the Board of Directors and proclaim, “Show me where in The Christian Bible they mention this Myers-Briggs idiot!” Their silence is all the proof you’ll need.
ESFJ: “The Zach Morris” – You’ll half-listen to the question and say, “The Myers what? Oh, yeah, I aced that test.”
ENFP: “The First-World Savior” – After taking the test you will set up a GoFundMe campaign so Honduran school children you’ve never met can experience the joy of discovering their Myers-Briggs types.
ISFJ: “The Financially-Reckless Martyr” – You’ll take the test and be so inspired that you’ll fully fund the ENFP’s GoFundMe campaign. Then you’ll crash on the ENFP’s couch because now you’re broke.
INFJ: “The Unicorn” – You won’t need the test. You’ll simply close your eyes, align your consciousness with the universe, and sense that you are an INFJ, the rarest, most magical Myers-Briggs type. Then you’ll dissolve into moon dust.