Superman is an unrealistic character and it’s impossible to tell a decent story about him for one reason: If Superman were real, he would have a full-on erection at all times.

Here’s the thing about Superman: He does what a normal man can’t. How am I supposed to believe that a man who can put out fires with his breath doesn’t also maintain a rigid, intimidating erection while watching over Metropolis? Yes, even when he’s flying. And, sure, having an erection while flying would increase his wind resistance, so he would have to fly a little bit faster, but he’s Superman — I think he could handle that.

It just doesn’t make sense that the “Man of Steel” is more like the “Man of Cesium,” which I googled, and is the softest metal.

If you’re on this forum, you’re probably exactly like me:

  • You’re a fan first.
  • You’re a fan second. And, yep,
  • You’re afraid to go the hospital for even a general check-up because you’re all alone and what if the doctors find something seriously wrong with you and you have to go through a long and terrifying treatment without anyone by your side who cares about you? You’d rather just die suddenly, no warning.

So you know that we fans demand stories with a level of realism that respects our intelligence. And, I’m sorry, but Superman literally has the most super penis on Earth, and IMHO, the “most super penis” is one that’s erect all the time! Yes, even when he’s Clark Kent — he just tucks his throbbing, uncomfortably hard erection into his waistband. That’s all part of his genial, bumbling, non-erect disguise. It’s basic logic!

And that logic must extend to the people around Superman. How would the Last Son of Krypton’s foes react to Superman’s poking-straight-out-at-a-90-degree-angle erection? They’d no doubt start having massive erections themselves. Some would turn to mad science, some to alien technology, some to evil magic, but pretty soon, every bad guy from Gotham City to Star City would have ridiculously engorged — but realistic — genitals. To maintain artistic consistency, the female characters would also need preposterously large and visible cleavage, so no change would be necessary there.

Hollywood, if you’re listening, we “Fans of Steel” agree on three things:

  • 1. We think Superman is the greatest superhero of all time.
  • 2. We haven’t enjoyed a Superman story in decades.
  • 3. I don’t understand what they mean on the radio when they say that the economy is doing better and better. Who is all that money going to? It’s not going to me, you know? It’s not going to my friends. Or my parents. So what exactly is getting better? I don’t know anyone who has more money than they used to. I’m supposed to be happy, but I’m scared.

Granted, you might be thinking that my proposals are too radical or too paradigm-exploding or that this is a scrapbooking forum and so my entire comment is off-topic and inappropriate. But you owe it to me to honestly engage with my ideas.

So give Superman a boner. Because it’s actually quite simple to tell a good Superman story. All us fans want are:

  • Galaxy-spanning storylines that don’t change the characters we love in any way
  • City-destroying violence that causes zero injuries, and
  • Extreme realism

Newbie ‘Scrapper