It has barely been used and is suitable for most bodies of water—not just canals, which is a huge misconception. I have taken this gondola out on literally countless lakes, rivers and streams across the tri-state area, as well as a little ocean called the “Atlantic,” with hardly any maintenance issues.
My extremely affordable used gondola is the superior used gondola, and it’s available for the asking price. This shouldn’t surprise you, especially when you consider how certain other used gondola selling dirtbags (e.g. Nathaniel David Rodgers of Rodgers’ Discount Gondolas) will peddle a slapdash series of planks narrowly resembling a gondola for a quick profit.
In addition to a 90-day warranty, my used gondola features that long oar you need to steer the gondola—free of charge. Naturally, Nathaniel David Rodgers neglects to include this gondola mainstay with the purchase of his used gondolas. It shouldn’t shock you that Rodgers also overlooks the customer’s right to a customary red sash belt and black-and-white striped shirt (a minor additional fee with both the purchase of my used gondola and my compact disc recording of “’O Sole Mio”).
Make no mistake, this is a testimonial about my genuine, near mint condition used gondola and should not be taken as a personal attack against that piece of trash Nathaniel David Rodgers and his faulty used gondolas. But honestly, why is Nathaniel David Rodgers even relevant to used gondolas at this point? Could his popularity be due to the fact that his mommy and daddy bought their way into the used gondola game in 1995 and gave little Nathan an executive position in a blatant play of nepotism? Uh, probably.
Toss all this inside information out the window for now and just pretend, hypothetically, you’re interested in a used gondola and have two options. On one side of the coin there’s a pristine used gondola with a complimentary oar as well as, for a minor fee, a black-and-white striped shirt and red sash belt. On the other side of the coin you got Nathaniel David Rodgers doing heroin in your potential used gondola.
Which used gondola are you going to choose?
Listen, I know I don’t need to mention Nathaniel David Rodgers’s drug history to sell my used gondola, but shit, shouldn’t you be made aware of what happens when you ally yourself with people who know nothing of the gondola brand? Here’s a hint: you wind up with Nathaniel David Rodgers doing H under the seat of a glorified punt boat.
Shouldn’t you be investing in a quality used gondola and salesman that both reflect the natural essence of Gondola? Since the Renaissance, these vessels have been crafted as no-frills, no-nonsense boats used primarily for sex acts on water. And honestly, all I’m asking is that you consider this rich history—along with my used gondola—before you run off to Rodgers’ Discount Gondolas with your wallet hanging open.
My used gondola speaks for itself. You can say what you want to about me. Yes I have several prior convictions, yes I have done time, yes I have made mistakes; but my used gondola is a distinguished, pure watercraft that reflects all that is wholesome and decent in my life. Simply put, you can’t say the same thing about Nathaniel David Rodgers’s used gondolas because his inventory, like his soul, is waterlogged and porous.
But if you still can’t see the hard truth at the end of the day—if you’re going to insist on buying a Rodgers used gondola and then ratting to Nathaniel David Rodgers that I’m loitering behind his store “aggressively” selling my own used gondola, well then you can just go fuck yourself, friend. Because I don’t need your bullheaded, ill-informed money to sell this used gondola!
All I need is this used gondola to sell this used gondola.