Whuttup, teens and adults in the 21-to-35 demographic who are teens at heart! A hip-hop it and you do not stop it, yo yo yo! Now, you may look at me and think, “Yah, right, like I’mma listen to you, middle-aged geezer in a suit and tie at this in-mall presentation!” But don’t let the Supercuts ‘do, Rockport Pro Walkers, and MedicAlert bracelet fool you: Like you, I’m a high-octane rebel whose thirst for adventure can be slaked only by the latest electrolyte-replenishing energy drink on the market:


For the record, a few of us in branding preferred the name WYLDRINK!, but it was the president’s call, and… well, you dance with the girl you came with.

Pop quiz! What’s harder than hardcore? What long-lasting and always satisfying? When you’re feeling down, what lifts you straight up?

I can’t believe… Who wrote this? It’s got to be Harvey. Jesus, what a bastard.

Okay, the answer is FLACCID! FLACCID! has 13 essential vitamins and nutrients; FLACCID! restores your body’s energy without overloading you with wiggidy-wack high-fructose corn syrup; and FLACCID! is always smooth and delicious going down your throat.

And FLACCID! isn’t just for when you’re about to pop a gnarly triple-ollie in the skateboarding park with your chillin’ amigos while playing hooky from elementary, middle, or high school! For those of you over 21—and for those of you who aren’t, don’t drink, wink wink—FLACCID! is a great hangover remedy for when you just can’t get it up in the morning. “It” meaning your body and mind.

Goddamn Harvey. All because of what happened with me and Elena in sales at the holiday party.

Crazy kids, if you are what you drink, then when you drink FLACCID!, you are, by extension, FLACCID! So I’m going to down a bottle right now and announce…

‘Sup, everyone in this mall, even those of you who have been out of earshot so you don’t have any context for this statement: Right now I am totally FLACCID!

Fellas, here’s a tip for macking on a honey in a funky-fresh nightclub discotheque: Go up to her with an ice-cold glass of our drink and tell her when you saw her across the room, you went instantly FLACCID! For effect, take an awesome inverted sip from a flexible straw bent at a 170-degree angle.

Then take her home and, uh, this is a family mall, but let’s just say you’d do well to stay FLACCID! all… night… long!

I swear to God, this should be considered a fireable offense for Harvey, plus whoever vetted this promo copy.

Homeslices of both genders, you know what to drink when you feel dead and need a sudden resurrection:

FLACCID!, comin’ right in your face in two rock-solid flavors: Overcooked Vermicelli and Limp Biscuit.