I cannot believe it, but this pandemic might end up affecting my small business, and all just because it’s named Horrible Debilitating Murder Disease. Apparently, nobody wants to use a laundromat with that name right now. This all seems silly to me, but I guess we’re all just reminded again that this pandemic will change our lives in even the most surprising ways. Honestly, I’m pretty peeved because it doesn’t make any sense why people can’t keep their feelings about our company, little old Horrible Debilitating Murder Disease, separate from this worldwide pandemic.

We’re just a local laundromat. People are completely overthinking the name. We do laundry, that’s it. As cleaners, we’re literally fighting against those germs that everybody is so afraid of right now. Everyone is being totally illogical. Look, I can maybe see how people’s minds have connected our little business with the pandemic. For comparison, I still won’t eat at Burger King because my brother called it “Booger King” one time and that’s just disgusting. But I think we can all agree that makes way more sense than the mental backflips someone has to do to connect the Murdermat, as some people call it, to any negative connotations.

Our name isn’t even related to the pandemic. I can understand avoiding Corona Beer or Delta Airlines, because it’s unsettling that the pandemic’s name is right there. But give me one issue with Horrible Debilitating Murder Disease. You can’t because that name is undeniably great. “Horrible” and “debilitating” are obviously referring to the stains on the clothes customers bring in, “murder” is what we do to the dirt and grime, and “disease” I just thought sounded cool.

It’s especially upsetting because our top competitor, Gentle Henry’s Laundromat, has been going gangbusters, even though Henry totally sucks. I mean, “Gentle Henry”? Really? As a cleaner, you need to be tough on grime. Henry isn’t willing to do what is necessary. He’s unwilling to murder the dirt in your soiled clothes. He probably just kindly asks stains if they could leave. Come on, Henry, get with the program because nobody is going to take you seriously if you keep that dumb name.

So don’t even say it because our name is great and we’re not changing it. Why should we have to? Our name is striking and gets people’s attention. Clearly, everybody else is wrong. Plus, the pandemic is the one murdering people; it should have to change its name. It should change its name to the Gentle Henry pandemic.

If we don’t nip this in the bud, where will this madness end? Are people going to stop riding bicycles because they can’t help but question their own sexuality every time they want to use a bicycle? Will they stop going to Dunkin’ Donuts because Donuts reminds them of testicles? Are folks really going to turn against our lovely state congressman, Joe’merica Freedom AK-47, just because some don’t like what he legally changed his name to? Can’t we all just recognize how silly it is to think a name always has to mean something more?

I say enough is enough. I will not stand idly by as people falsely associate our sweet Horrible Debilitating Murder Disease with anything but the cleanest sheets in town. That’s why I will be taking the same course that I assume Delta and Corona are taking and purposefully try to spread horrible debilitating murder diseases. That’ll show’em what happens when you mess with us!