Hey marketing team for every major brand: Do you really think that I—a proud, rational, and tasteful LGBTQ+ person—am going to purchase your silly little product just because you released a pride edition? Because I will. You are correct.

The pride month pandering that occurs every June is both predictable and exhausting. Rest assured that your attempts to commercialize this celebration of queer history and culture have been noted. You know what’s also predictable? The fact that I’ll buy into it without even a second thought. My Hugo Boss wallet is going to be exhausted by July.

Oh, a Boston Red Sox hat with a rainbow “B” on it? How expected of you. Don’t mind if I do. I won’t even complain about the unnecessary price markup you added. Hell, I’ll buy two in case you lose any sales from bigots boycotting you because of this. Did I mention I haven’t watched baseball since I was nine?

Let me be clear: I do not appreciate that greedy corporations perennially commodify LGBTQ+ identities for profit. Especially since many of these companies still donate to politicians who are actively fighting against gay rights and demonizing trans people. Wait, is that a bottle of blue cheese dressing… with a label covered in Keith Haring drawings? Looks like I’m having buffalo wings tonight. I’m vegan, but I’ll make an exception. Mostly because the packaging for the chicken says LOVE IS CLUCKING LOVE on it. How camp!

Why am I like this? Well, according to my therapist, it’s not that simple. She told me my actions are fueled by a mix of internalized rainbow capitalism, arrested development from a closeted childhood, and Stockholm syndrome. Personally, I just think that—oh my god, the Lexus commercial on TV right now has RuPaul in it. I’ll be back in a sec after I sign up for a low-mileage lease with a predatory monthly payment. It’s giving opulence!

Okay, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, pinkwashing and stuff. It’s bad. Speaking of, I got a badass pink coupe. I can’t wait to pull up to the parade in this baby, blasting “Vroom Vroom” by CharliXCX. They might even let me in the procession. Also, the car dealership gave me a little pride flag for my cup holder. It looks so cute when I wave it while wearing my rainbow Apple Watch band. Slay!