Congratulations on your selection of a new White Husband™. Before you activate your White Husband™, please read the instructions carefully. Failure to follow the directions could result in cultural shock.
Your White Husband™ will improve your quality of life and enhance your success by providing the following services:
- Your White Husband™ will explain when to go head-on and when to sidestep — and still get what you want.
- Your White Husband™ will demonstrate how to make others feel like they’re wrong even when they’re right.
- When the police pull you over for faulty reflective coating on your license plate or the school principal decides to call social services to investigate why your child has Skittles in his lunch box, your White Husband™ will bro down and/or argue with these authority figures on your behalf — and win!
- Your White Husband™ will show you how to insist you don’t deserve even the criticisms, citations, and punishments your behavior clearly warrants.
- Your White Husband™ will introduce you to the customs of White people and walk you through the arcane bureaucratic procedures so beloved of his people, for example: the application to transfer your kids to an actually functioning school across town instead of the broke-ass one in your neighborhood.
- Your White Husband™ will show you how to schmooze with the powerful and come to believe that success is your birthright, that you deserve only the best.
PLEASE NOTE: Your White Husband™ requires some assembly. At first, he may not stand fully upright. To assure he achieves his full height and potential, it may be useful to tell him, “You’re a White man. He/she/they will listen to you.”
Every two weeks or 100 miles, whichever comes first, your White Husband™ will require a thorough examination for defects in his self-esteem. To keep your White Husband™ in tip-top shape, the manufacturer recommends the following useful phrases:
- “It’s not your fault; that was hundreds of years ago.”
- “But you’re different from the other White people.”
- “Obviously you’re not racist; you’re just being cautious.”
- “White privilege? Not you! You earned everything you have!”
- “I’m not talking about you; I’m talking about all the other White people.”
- “No, honey, I find you fascinating; tell me more about the excellent mileage you’re getting.”
The Remote Control
This feature may not work beyond 25 feet. Outside this range your White Husband’s™ actions may become unpredictable and possibly alarming. If you should discover him applauding a Trump speech or gesticulating wildly in a sports bar or strip club, for example, simply activate the remote and he’ll once again be available to advocate on your behalf. Remember, he is, finally, a White Husband™, and while we are working to modify some of these uncontrollable behaviors, we don’t expect to have a totally reliable White Husband™ for several decades.