Here at Fingers Crossed Fertility Clinic we believe the process of getting pregnant can be beautiful, especially for younger women — what with their fresh, welcoming wombs and ability to conceive without worrying about how shriveled their uteruses are. But enough about younger people and their perfectly timed pregnancies — let’s get back to you and your vintage ovaries.

While I’m scared of the risks this will most likely bring for you, I also believe in the miracle of science. Like landing a man on the moon! Surely your womb is as inviting as a cold piece of rock.

Now, as a woman over 35, what you’re attempting is called a geriatric pregnancy because you are what the medical community would refer to as “old.” (The exact scientific term is “near-corpse.”) While I know you’ve just started trying to conceive, let’s take a moment to discuss all the health risks. Don’t be alarmed: they aren’t so much health risks as they are reasons to keep you up at night.

  • Low birth weight
    *Infant obesity
  • An abnormally positioned fetus
  • A well-positioned fetus but poorly positioned vagina
  • Difficult labor
  • Hypertension
  • People asking if you are the baby’s grandmother
  • Extra giant hemorrhoids (still need more scientific data on this one but the anecdotal evidence is terrifying)
  • A baby with the IQ of a rock
  • A baby that resembles The Rock
  • A baby that has the speech patterns of Rocky Balboa
  • And, of course, birth defects. So many, many, many birth defects

You should also be prepared for the possibility of d-e-a-t-h. (The medical community finds that women have an easier time taking in horrible news when you spell it out for them, slowly and repeatedly.) Remember: We don’t list all the risks to scare you, we do it to make you aware of the circumstances you have put yourself in because you decided to put off giving birth until you were “settled in your career” and “got health insurance.” Choices!

If you are unable to become pregnant the natural way, we have options to help you achieve pregnancy in a respectful and humane manner. Like putting a glorified turkey baster full of your husband’s semen up your cootch. Of course, it’s no easy ride for him either, as beforehand he must watch porn and jerk off. We all suffer.

If your womb refuses this process, you must be aware that it is most likely your fault (according to science.) Are you too fat? Too skinny? Did you smoke weed in high school? Did you stand next to a heater at any point in your life? Did you place your laptop on your crotch? Did you binge-watch Black Mirror instead of taking fish oil supplements? All huge mistakes.

Of course, we are so excited about this journey and will still do what we can because we never give up on you (unless you don’t have the good kind of insurance. Please see reception about payment on the way out).

Thank you and fingers crossed!