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Articles by
Chris Brotzman
Chris Brotzman is an advertising and humor writer based in Chicago. He lives with his roommate, Amazon Echo’s Alexa.
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May 25, 2018This Is Our Obligatory-Yet-Disingenuous Commercial Saluting the Military
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December 31, 2016An Obituary for 2016
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July 22, 2016These Smart Swimming Trunks Automatically Remind You to Be Self-Conscious!
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June 24, 2016Social Media Intern Wanted at The Night’s Watch
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October 30, 2015Are You a Basic Witch?
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June 23, 2015Do You or Do You Not Want to Work at This Glory Hole, Ethan?
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March 10, 2015I’m America’s Latest Politically Divisive Issue
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November 25, 2014The First Friendsgiving
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October 1, 2014This Week on As the World Tinders
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April 22, 2014I’m a 4-Billion-Year-Old Microbe On an Asteroid Heading Straight Toward Earth and I’m So Excited to Hang Out, You Guys
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March 26, 2014Hey Everyone, I’m Going to Have a Loud Phone Conversation On This Crowded Bus
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February 19, 2021I’m a Short Afternoon Walk and You’re Putting Way Too Much Pressure on Me
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February 16, 2021As a Superhero Teacher, I Can’t Wait to Sacrifice My Unvaccinated Life for Your Child
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February 22, 2021The UX on this Small Child Is Terrible
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February 10, 2021An Update from Your Three-Year-Old’s Montessori Educator, Translated for Parents Who Endured a Traditional Public School Education
Recently
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February 25, 2021714 Epidemiologists on When We Can Resume Fixating on Petty Bullshit
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February 25, 2021Famous Philosophers in Quarantine
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February 25, 2021A Grizzled, Months-Old Chrome Tab Welcomes a Fresh-Faced New Tab to My Browser Window
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February 24, 2021I Oppose the Democrats’ Plan to Lower Child Poverty. If Kids Want to Eat, They Should Work In Filthy Factories Like They Did in the Good Old Days