Things seemed like they were starting to cool off around here, so I figured I’d come back down from Capitol Hill and mess shit up again.

What am I? Well, that’s part of the intrigue — I could literally be anything. Could I take the form of a scientific or medical debate? Yep. Could I be crime or police related? You bet. Could I be rooted in the expanding wealth gap? Sure thing. About the only thing I couldn’t possibly be — the only damn thing you people can actually agree on — is a stupid cat video.

So, here I am. All over your Facebook, your Twitter, the “news.” I, the issue, have arisen. Party lines have been drawn. And now with zero facts, data, or thought-through solution proposals, everyone and their kissing cousin is an expert. Because the fact is, whatever you dummies think you’re yammering on about, I’m just a metaphor — a metaphor used by the politically elite to keep you idiots at each other’s throats instead of uniting for a better, safer, more prosperous, and more democratic America.

Oh yes, it is me, the all-inflammatory one: America’s latest and greatest politically divisive issue.

Am I an issue that should be handled by scientists and/or medical professionals? There’s a decent chance of it. Should this debate be handled by unbiased experts in fields relating to this issue rather than people seeking political gain? Perhaps. One thing I know to be absolutely true is that I’m just here to add fuel to the fire. To keep the Right to the right and the Left to the left. To tear you guys apart like a pothead on a family-size box of KFC Original Recipe.

Speaking of KFC, there’s a decent chance I’m an argument about childhood obesity. Or the legalization of marijuana.

Maybe I’m something as confusing as corporate tax policy, or something as daunting as the energy crisis.

Perhaps I’m a something as somber as veteran healthcare, or something as delicate as the vaccination debate, or as massive as terrorism.

I could also be an issue as trivial as the old “crumple versus fold” debate.

Whatever I am, rest assured, you will be prodded to take sides. Your pundits will shower you with puffery and bullshit. You will regurgitate this bologna on social media. And in the end only I, the current politically divisive issue, will win.

Screw you, suckers!