The full transcript from the CNN Presidential debate between President Thomas Whitmore and challenger Governor Patrick Stevens.
WOLF BLITZER, MODERATOR: Welcome to the CNN debate for the 1996 presidential election. President Whitmore, let me begin by thanking you for saving our country and the entire world from the alien invasion this past July 4th.
PRESIDENT THOMAS WHITMORE: I just did what any other fighter jet pilot hero president would have done.
(THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE THAT TURNS INTO A STANDING OVATION)
GOVERNOR PATRICK STEVENS: While I too am grateful for President Whitmore’s actions, I hope we’re actually going to have a substantive policy debate tonight.
BLITZER: Yes, of course. Candidates, please give your opening statements.
STEVENS: I’m Governor Pat Stevens. While I did not win my party’s primary, I am the only candidate that survived the alien invasion, or is not among the missing, or didn’t get caught trying to join the side of the aliens, or didn’t drop out due to fear of taking on the man who single-handedly thwarted the invasion. But this isn’t about how we got here. This is about moving forward. We have a lot of work ahead of us. While I may be the underdog due to President Whitmore’s past heroics, I believe that as president I can rebuild this country and lead us in a prosperous new direction.
WHITMORE: You all know me. I killed the aliens.
(RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
BLITZER: Governor Stevens, you’ve been critical of President Whitmore’s rebuilding effort. Would you like to speak on that?
STEVENS: President Whitmore has no plan. He’s spent the past two months celebrating on taxpayer dollars rather than taking up the serious task of reconstruction.
BLITZER: President Whitmore, your rebuttal?
WHITMORE: I killed the aliens.
BLITZER: President Whitmore, many of our country’s biggest cities have been destroyed. Our infrastructure is devastated: the highways that weren’t destroyed are littered with abandoned cars. My question to you is: what was it like to mind-meld with and personally face down the aliens?
WHITMORE: It was the most unpleasant and terrifying thing I have ever and most likely will ever experience. But I’d do it all again to save this great nation and the world.
STEVENS: The American people deserve better than softball questions! He should have to speak on the thorny policy issues that really matter like health care.
BLITZER: President Whitmore?
WHITMORE: That’s fair. Our nation is facing a sudden shortage of doctors and hospitals after the aliens vaporized our biggest cities and medical institutions. And I gotta be honest, I don’t know if there’s a quick fix for that. What I do know is how to blow up an alien mother ship before it destroys the world, which I did. That’s a health care plan we can all use.
BLITZER: Governor Stevens, do you want to keep going?
STEVENS: Yes I do!
BLITZER: Fine. Governor, why should anyone vote for you, really?
STEVENS: President Whitmore might know his way around a fighter jet—
STEVENS: —but he doesn’t know the first thing about turning our economy around. He accomplished absolutely nothing his entire first term until the aliens invaded. His fiscal policies are frankly ruinous!
WHITMORE: The only thing I’ve ever ruined is an alien invasion.
(APPLAUSE SO INTENSE THE WINDOWS IN THE AUDITORIUM SHATTER)
STEVENS: You want to talk about the invasion? Fine, let’s talk about how in your first attempt to kill the aliens, you ordered an ineffective nuclear attack over Houston!
(AUDIBLE SHRUGS FROM THE AUDIENCE)
STEVENS: He blew up Houston, people!
STEVENS: The fourth-largest city in the country! Home to the Astros and the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo! The food scene was really starting to take off — you know what, forget it.
BLITZER: President Whitmore, do you even feel it necessary to respond?
WHITMORE: Well I did kill the aliens—
WHITMORE: But I also have this to say.
(EXCITED GASPS AS PRESIDENT WHITMORE TAKES OUT AN INTERCOM AND SPEAKER)
STEVENS: So we can bring props now?
BLITZER: Shut up!
WHITMORE: In less than a month, citizens here will join others from around the country. You will be casting ballots for the most important election in the history of mankind. It will be a day when the country declares in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! That day, we will celebrate our Election Day!
BLITZER: Yes! That was fucking awesome!
STEVENS: That was pretty much the same exact same speech—
BLITZER: Cut that man’s mic! Security, rough him up a little bit!
(APPLAUSE AS GOVERNOR STEVENS IS DRAGGED ROUGHLY OFF THE STAGE)
WHITMORE: Welcome to Earth.
STEVENS: You didn’t even say that one!
(RAUCOUS APPLAUSE THAT LITERALLY BRINGS DOWN THE HOUSE WEAKENED FROM THE ALIEN INVASION)
BLITZER: Join us next week for the Vice Presidential debate where David Levinson, the satellite technician who programmed the virus that took down the aliens’ shields, will give long, delightful, rambling Jeff Goldbloom-esque monologues because no one was foolish enough to join Governor Stevens as his running mate.