1. You, a superior being, never use Instagram.

2. You, a superior being, do not enjoy “the beach” or “fun in the sun” or “joy.”

3. Don a fashion! You, a superior being, would never.

4. You, a superior being, do not disgrace yourself with “laughter.”

5. You, a superior being, would never transport water in any sort of vessel.

6. Fuck the turtles, amirite? And def anyone who wants to save them, yes, yes, this is a vital one as you aim to embody the Top Villain In a Movie About Big Business Baddies Looking to Build Sexymoney Condos On a Beachfront Nature Preserve vs Earnest Oversized T-Shirt-Wearing Teen Girl Squad, you are def right there my friend!!

7. You, a superior being, do not have and definitely would never want woven bracelets or, worse, the friendships they signify.

8. You, a superior being, would never wear a puka shell necklace except that one time in high school when you borrowed your stoner boyfriend’s but…

9. You, a superior being, will overlook that.

10. You, a superior being, have never had to wear the armor of perfection in order to navigate high school with your whole IRL school poised and ready to tear you apart online at any moment as you live teetering on the knife’s edge between childhood and adulthood, smart, savvy, fucking amazing, but also easily hunted if peers decide to train their sights, whether it be due to jealousy, dislike, or I don’t know, being bored and wanting to ruin someone’s life just for the hell of it, this internet wasteland adults have created and bequeathed to high schoolers with sharp words and sharper teeth is no concern of yours, and thus, is shallow. Silly, even.

11. You, a superior being, would never debase your wrist with a scrunchie.