1. Sing the airplane safety manual to the tune of “Bohemian Rhapsody”
2. Appoint different passengers to judge your performance. Give them nicknames
3. Ask the flight attendant for warm water with lemon every hour on the hour, because it’s great for your vocal chords
4. Spit your drink into your cup—
5. This water is too cold! Too hot! Faint in your seat (wearing the eye mask they gave you in the toiletries kit)
6. Loudly lament that the flight attendant is hindering your musical career
7. Resign yourself to watch Ice Age 2 on the in-flight entertainment system approximately five times, because that’s how long the flight from Istanbul to Boston actually is
8. Halfway through the first showing, construct a slingshot from the eye mask, socks, and toothbrush included in aforementioned toiletries kit.
9. Sling peanuts, pretzels, and other crunchy oddities across the row at that guy who absolutely wanted to MAGA
10. Strike up a conversation with said guy who tells you he didn’t vote for Trump, but have you seen her emails?
11. Turbulence! Blast the Steve Aoki hit, because you still have your iPhone, thank God
12. Ask the nervous-looking woman to your left if she’s ever seen Lost
13. No? Run her through the entire plot, right as the flight starts to descend into Logan Airport
14. When you land, you’re tossed into line with a sea of bros in Bruins jerseys and what appears to be the entire staff of the Vineyard Vines store (the legit one, in Edgartown)
15. A flickering holographic TSA agent beckons you towards the light at the end of the tunnel. The customs officer asks you a single question: “What was your reason for travel?” You gape at him, speechless.