Sean enters press room. His suit is on backwards. His American flag pin is on fire. He tries to immediately exit, but is pointed towards the podium. He begins.

“First, I just want to say: Please don’t make me do this. Second, good afternoon, everyone. I hope you had a good morning. The President spent his morning traveling between Mar-A-Lago, the Winter White House, and the White House, the Winter Mar-A-Lago. Once he arrived at the White House, he immediately left for Mar-A-Lago.”

Sean looks up to see which member of the press just groaned. He sees it was all of them.

“Yesterday, as many of you saw, President Trump had a working lunch with several members of his team, including Treasury Secretary Mnuchin, Commerce Secretary Ross, and an unknown mystery man whose face was always in shadow. The group discussed immigration reform and solved the problem in under 30 seconds. President Trump left the lunch without paying, which is simply a smart move more people should do.”

Sean notices a member of the press that roughly resembles himself and wonders how hard it would be to switch lives. He could easily change his name from Sean to Shaun or even Shawn. Would that be enough to get away? No. Someone points out his pin is on fire. Sean nods and continues.

“Regarding the President’s itinerary for the day, this morning on Air Force One he already had his daily intelligence briefing, where he briefly told intelligence officials how well his tweets did last night. This afternoon he’ll have a working golf outing with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, which will lead into a working dinner and then a working dessert. With reference to concerns that President Trump is avoiding his duties as President, remember the word ‘working’ is before all of those other words. As we speak he is having a working haircut.”

Sean looks to his right at Kellyanne Conway, careful not to share her gaze so as not to turn to stone. He’s seen it happen to several interns. Kellyanne mouths “Good boy. More. Feed the fools.” Someone points out his suit is on backwards and that most of it is on fire now. Sean makes a little joke and gets a few polite laughs.

“Of course, President Trump would have an easier time fulfilling his duties if Senate Democrats weren’t constantly standing in his way. There are still several key members of the President’s Cabinet that have not been confirmed for the absurd reason that the candidates merely won’t reveal their identities. Senate Republicans did not do this when Obama was President.”

Obama. “Maybe Obama can help me,” he thinks. Yeah, he’d move in with the Obamas. They’d take him away from all this madness. He could take Bo and that other dog whose name he forgot for walks in repayment. He knows deep down it’s impossible. He doesn’t even know the other dog’s name. Obama would never help someone who didn’t know both of his dogs’ names. Someone points out he is fully engulfed in flames. Sean winks.

“Alright, now I’ll take some questions.”

Nobody asks “Sean, do you need help?” so Sean zones out and prepares himself to do it all again tomorrow.