Revitalizing Seaweed Cream, $47
Locally sourced seaweed from the Gulf of Tonkin. Harvested by fishmongers who were deloused and scrubbed clean beforehand. Each strand of seaweed is happily chewed and spit out by Gwyneth’s daughter Apple while she enjoys a glass of hemp milk, resulting in a wonderful emulsion. The perfect moisturizing agent for your pets, be it a Tibetan Mastiff or a Burmese python – this cream is a dream.
Budget Cooking, $120
Just because you’re cooking on a shoestring budget doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice health and taste. This cookbook outlines how you can still have your personal chef cook world-class meals by only spending $1500 a week (for a two-person household) on groceries. You’d be surprised at what can be done with such a trivial amount of money.
Blessing Diary, $399
Single-source paper harvested from 213 year-old bonsai trees. Bound in supple, cage-free Tasmanian tiger leather. The perfect notebook for reminding yourself to be grateful for everything you have that you did nothing to earn. Also works well as a space to list all the ways in which you are a down-to-earth multimillionaire. Comes with fair-trade ivory quill that writes in invisible lemon ink.
Positive Affirmation Jar, $1,001
Carefully crafted positive affirmations are nestled inside this otherwise empty, glass-blown jar shipped from Asheville, NC by a river heron. Each saying is softly murmured by Gwyneth into the jar before being hermetically sealed. Previous mantras have included, “Go goop. Do goop. Be goop,” “Being a mother IS a form of social activism,” and “Diamonds.”
Pantsuit for left-half of your body, $2899
Cotton cured in oat’s milk. Hand sewn by a family on food stamps. Fits a woman with a half-waist size of 9". Sleek, stylish, and sexy – a pantsuit for the left-half of your body for all seasons. Once you try it on you’ll quickly discover this is the only pantsuit for the left-half of your body you’ll ever need. Right-half not currently, or ever, for sale. Expected delivery date: when your heart chakra aligns with your sacral chakra.
A spear made of solid painite infused with truffle shavings. Emits a constant neon glow for maximum peacocking, thanks to a tritium lining. Equipped to holster any LL Bean Edition iPhone 10s. Great for taking pics. Can also be used to physically distance yourself from reality.