If you’re watching your waistline, December can be more stressful than joyful. It doesn’t feel like The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year when everyone in your life is conspiring against your hard-won hot bod with their endless offers of cookies, pie, and unconditional love. Luckily, there are lots of ways to get in the spirit of the season without packing on the pounds. Here are seven foolproof tips for surviving your office Christmas party, or any holiday gathering…
1. Set clear boundaries
If Pam, the office manager, offers you a Snickerdoodle, immediately pinpoint her deepest vulnerability and exploit it. (i.e. “Wow, Pam, did you make these all alone in the kitchen you used to share with your dead husband?”) She won’t offer you cookies again!
2. Chew your food slowly
Like really slow. Let it dribble out of your mouth. Once somebody notices (they will!) explain that you just had dental surgery and/or a minor stroke. Not only will a dribbly mouthful of liquid quiche ease your digestion, you’ll also be the conversation starter nobody asked for!
3. Avoid the open bar
Alcohol has so many empty calories! As an alternative to drinking, find everyone’s keys, put them in a bowl, and say “Weird, I had no idea this was a key party?!” If people are on board, sex is exercise! If your boss is like, “The f*%k, Sharon?” you’ll burn even more calories, because you’re WALKING HOME TONIGHT! There’s no way you’re getting a ride home after that stunt, you freak.
4. Take frequent breaks
Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of antipasto options? Flustered by the prosciutto platter? Excuse yourself to the bathroom and scream, non-stop, for four minutes. If, when you emerge from the bathroom, everyone’s shocked faces make it appear they’ve heard you screaming, do not fret! They have not. Keep chatting it up!
5. Watch your portions
Look for the big mirror in the foyer, stand in front with a handful of hors d’oeuvres (preferably coconut shrimp). Eat each one in front of the mirror, good luck getting past two shrimp without crying at the sight of your filthy coconut encrusted gullet!
6. Get people moving!
Circulate the idea of a “Burpee Contest” throughout the party. CrossFit Ralph from I.T. will not be able to resist. As he bullies your co-workers into jumping push-ups, pass them water bottles full of eggnog. Scream “BURPEES TO THE DEATH!!!!” as Ralph slowly picks off the weak. Eventually, someone will barf. The smell of barf is an amazing appetite suppressant.
7. Set an example
Find the youngest child at the party, and ploy them with mini-marshmallows until they agree to call you “Mommy.” Motherhood is a huge responsibility! Do you really want your daughter seeing you shitfaced on rum balls and tiny cheese squares? Oh shit, now she’s asking, “Mommy, what’s a key party?” You can’t afford that much therapy! Skip dessert — good for you! — and drop her at a fire station.