Dear Mr./Mrs. _________________,

It has come to my attention that you have [philosophical/religious] issues with my sexuality. Specifically, that my being [gay/lesbian/trans/bi/queer/gender non-confirming] detracts from my ability to teach your child [history/biology/math]. This would be understandable, were I not a trained professional educator. But, of course, I am. I’m a good teacher, and I assure you, your child is in good hands in my classroom.

It appears you believe that I, a high school teacher with a [passion for enriching the lives of youth/flawless reputation/goddamn master’s degree], and those I choose to [love/kiss/hold] have anything to do with [World War II/cellular biology/pre-calculus]. Allow me to correct you: neither I nor anyone I have [loved/kissed/held] has appeared in any high school textbooks. I bemoan your [misunderstanding/total lack of knowledge/idiocy] on the subject. On behalf of the entire U.S. Education system, I apologize for its failure. Perhaps you were denied competent educators as a youth. Perhaps your teachers lectured on [blowjobs/cunnilingus] instead of [the 1942 Battle of Midway/mitochondria/the Unit Circle]. If true, this is a wild misappropriation of government resources and should be adapted into a [screenplay/TV series/podcast/visual album/Moth story]. In any case, I assure you my teaching abilities are up to snuff.

That said, your child’s home environment is not conducive to [his/her/their] studies. You have apparently conflated [the conditions of the 1945 Yalta Conference/the Krebs Cycle/graphs I guess….?] with homosexuality, and I fear that under your influence, your child will do the same. As there are no [trans people applying for jobs/lesbians adopting children/dudes holding hands in public] on our upcoming unit test, I fear that under your guidance your child will fail. With your child’s academic pursuits in mind, I’m just not comfortable with my student going home to someone of your kind. How can [he/she/ze/they/___] possibly retain an assessment of [the Marshall Plan and the liberalization of Europe/prokaryotic vs. eukaryotic cells/whatever the calculator says] when your mind is constantly preoccupied with queer people? Your obsession with [thirsty power bottoms/hot weird queer girls with wild hair/people whose gender has nothing to do with your bigoted ass] forces me to conclude that your home is not a safe space for the honest pursuit of [history/biology/math].

But maybe it’s deeper than that, more [complicated/paranoid/bonkers]. Perhaps you believe that by simply being in my presence, your child will [herself/himself/themselves] become queer. That my [gender expression/lifestyle choices/lust for genitalia generally similar to my own] will possesses your child to join the [rainbow brigade/gay persuasion/kweer klub]. To this I say: Wow. You figured out my master plan for world domination. Yes, through nightly homework assignments, weekly quizzes, and the undeniable homoerotica of [Eleanor Roosevelt/photosynthesis/PEMDAS], I will amass my very own army of baby queers. All they need is to look at me and — [POOF/BOOM/ZOINK] — they’re gay.

But my classroom is my classroom, just as your home is your home. Clearly, we’re at odds here, but let’s allow each other autonomy over our own spaces. If nothing else, I will continue to [hope/pray/send positive vibes] that you can someday parse the differences between high school coursework and [Blue Is The Warmest Color/Paris Is Burning/Brokeback Mountain]. Please do not give up on your own [education/dignity/glimmer of goodness inside of you] just yet, Mr./Mrs._______________.

[Cheers/Go To Hell/Erotically Yours],